Posted by Cindy W on October 28, 2000, at 22:26:57
In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
> I have suicidal idealation. Killing myself is the only thought that puts a smile on my face and makes me excited. I realized that these thoughts are absolutely obsured yet I still have incredible impulses to act on them. Especially when something goes wrong. I have attempted suicide two times in the last six weeks with alcohol, xanax, trazadone, codiene, tylenol and zyprexa. No one else is aware of what I am thinking about all the time and of how strong my suicidal obsessions actually are. If I enter the psych ward I will become increasingly worse. I have been on virtually every med there is. Without any medication in my system I am a sure thing for death as I would need to be put in restraints in order to keep myself alive. I have written a suicide letter telling everyone not to be sad that I am gone and to be happy for me as I will hopefully no longer be in agony. I have been dealing with mental disorders my entire life and nothing would make me happier then to say good-bye to the world. When I
> do die I expect many people to be awfully upset but in time maybe they can be happy for me. I am sure most people who do not understand will think that I chose to take the easy way out but I do not give a rats ass anymore. Even when I am feeling somewhat stable I still want to blow my head off. I am standing on the end of a cliff on one foot just waiting for a gust of wind to give that nudge that I so desperately need.Andre, please remember that you are cared about here, and a lot of people would really feel very bad if you harm yourself. It's the people left behind who really hurt. Please talk to your pdoc and get help. Hugs...Cindy W
poster:Cindy W
thread:1773
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1789.html