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Re: THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!

Posted by Rainwoman on October 30, 2000, at 9:48:02

In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15

> I have suicidal idealation. Killing myself is the only thought that puts a smile on my face and makes me excited. I realized that these thoughts are absolutely obsured yet I still have incredible impulses to act on them. Especially when something goes wrong. I have attempted suicide two times in the last six weeks with alcohol, xanax, trazadone, codiene, tylenol and zyprexa. No one else is aware of what I am thinking about all the time and of how strong my suicidal obsessions actually are. If I enter the psych ward I will become increasingly worse. I have been on virtually every med there is. Without any medication in my system I am a sure thing for death as I would need to be put in restraints in order to keep myself alive. I have written a suicide letter telling everyone not to be sad that I am gone and to be happy for me as I will hopefully no longer be in agony. I have been dealing with mental disorders my entire life and nothing would make me happier then to say good-bye to the world. When I
> do die I expect many people to be awfully upset but in time maybe they can be happy for me. I am sure most people who do not understand will think that I chose to take the easy way out but I do not give a rats ass anymore. Even when I am feeling somewhat stable I still want to blow my head off. I am standing on the end of a cliff on one foot just waiting for a gust of wind to give that nudge that I so desperately need.

Andre--

I do hope things are going better for you. I am really in hot water at work due to my depression and have no business not working right now, but when I saw your post, I had to write something. I completely understand so well what you are going through. Especially since the last 3 weeks I was so pissed at myself for not having the courage to off myself that I refused to let myself eat because it would sustain my life. There is now alot less of me to off. But that is not in my mind right now. I hope that the same thing happens to you, getting the obsession with your own demise out of your head, that is. Not deciding to become some kind of human skeleton. Although, tis the season, right? I understand how you feel so well that I probably wouldn't try to stop you if that was what you really wanted and your depression was as lengthy and painful as mine. I do however, hope that a better alternative presents itself to you with all my battle weary heart and although probably not all that dependable as a source for help right now, I would do anything I could! I also know the feeling that nobody can help, but hey, if your day's activities include a high dive off the nearest tall building, maybe you could give it a try!


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