![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
I have suicidal idealation. Killing myself is the only thought that puts a smile on my face and makes me excited. I realized that these thoughts are absolutely obsured yet I still have incredible impulses to act on them. Especially when something goes wrong. I have attempted suicide two times in the last six weeks with alcohol, xanax, trazadone, codiene, tylenol and zyprexa. No one else is aware of what I am thinking about all the time and of how strong my suicidal obsessions actually are. If I enter the psych ward I will become increasingly worse. I have been on virtually every med there is. Without any medication in my system I am a sure thing for death as I would need to be put in restraints in order to keep myself alive. I have written a suicide letter telling everyone not to be sad that I am gone and to be happy for me as I will hopefully no longer be in agony. I have been dealing with mental disorders my entire life and nothing would make me happier then to say good-bye to the world. When I
do die I expect many people to be awfully upset but in time maybe they can be happy for me. I am sure most people who do not understand will think that I chose to take the easy way out but I do not give a rats ass anymore. Even when I am feeling somewhat stable I still want to blow my head off. I am standing on the end of a cliff on one foot just waiting for a gust of wind to give that nudge that I so desperately need.
Posted by pullmarine on October 28, 2000, at 17:30:29
In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
Andre,
Have you chosen a method?
Or a date?JOhn
Posted by allisonm on October 28, 2000, at 18:05:55
In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
Andre! I'm really glad to see you post again. I was concerned! What's going on?? What's been happening since your birthday?
I know you feel like crap. It feels like it's never going to stop, but it will. It has to. It has to. I've been thinking "what's the point?" a lot lately, but we need to hang on. Do you have any support? People who care about you need to know. Please don't do this to them. Is there someone you can be with right now? What about your roommate? Is there a suicide line where you live? We need you here on earth -- alive. Please.
If there's something I can do to help, please email me.
Take care,
Allison
Posted by Cass on October 28, 2000, at 18:07:10
In reply to Re: THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by pullmarine on October 28, 2000, at 17:30:29
Please don't do it, Andre. Like you, I am just waiting around 'till I feel better. Life is misery at the moment, but that will change. Don't make decisions in this state of mind. Just wait it out, please.
Posted by shar on October 28, 2000, at 20:53:09
In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
Andre,
All this time I thought you had decided to go to the hosp and I thought you were getting help/doing better. Jeez if I had known, I would have been bugging you to talk here.You have been gripped with strong suicidal thoughts for so long now, you must be in horrible pain. Thank you for enduring, persevering, living. And posting.
I read recently (and much to my surprise) that Lithium is supposed to be great at lessening suicidal ideation to a significant degree. Have you been on Lith? I know a lot of people hate it, but I think we are approaching the bottom line here, and what the hell? I cannot remember where I read it.
I think I read it in a book on suicide written by the woman who wrote "The Unquiet Mind" and she was citing some rather long term evidence for her statements. I am even considering it because of my own suicidal thoughts.
I've always wondered if we just couldn't go and be sedated for a week (sleep for a week) and get some relief and wake up and feel maybe better able to cope with solutions--like meds or something.
I hate the idea of you in restraints, but I don't know if I hate it more than you not existing. If there is an iota of hope, I would go for the restraints, so you could have bought time, and then tried whatever possible remedies still exist before killing yourself.
I also hate the idea of you committing suicide, and finding out you haven't bought yourself the peace or absence of pain that you thought. We don't know for sure what happens, and it's that gamble that what we're going to is better than what we have here.
The people you leave behind will grieve and recover. I will grieve too. The space you take up being empty will never feel right to me.
Before you do go, I'd like to know some things about you:
Like how old you are,
do you have kids,
what kind of work you are interested in,
where you live (not your address, but aren't you in the UK?),
what is one thing you can count on to bring you joy,
what do you look like?
Might as well go for favorite color too...
Write back. None of those answers may seem important to you, but they are to me, I want to know more than just the agony you've suffered.
I'm pulling for you, aa. Sorry if you hate it.
Shar
Posted by Cindy W on October 28, 2000, at 22:26:57
In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
> I have suicidal idealation. Killing myself is the only thought that puts a smile on my face and makes me excited. I realized that these thoughts are absolutely obsured yet I still have incredible impulses to act on them. Especially when something goes wrong. I have attempted suicide two times in the last six weeks with alcohol, xanax, trazadone, codiene, tylenol and zyprexa. No one else is aware of what I am thinking about all the time and of how strong my suicidal obsessions actually are. If I enter the psych ward I will become increasingly worse. I have been on virtually every med there is. Without any medication in my system I am a sure thing for death as I would need to be put in restraints in order to keep myself alive. I have written a suicide letter telling everyone not to be sad that I am gone and to be happy for me as I will hopefully no longer be in agony. I have been dealing with mental disorders my entire life and nothing would make me happier then to say good-bye to the world. When I
> do die I expect many people to be awfully upset but in time maybe they can be happy for me. I am sure most people who do not understand will think that I chose to take the easy way out but I do not give a rats ass anymore. Even when I am feeling somewhat stable I still want to blow my head off. I am standing on the end of a cliff on one foot just waiting for a gust of wind to give that nudge that I so desperately need.Andre, please remember that you are cared about here, and a lot of people would really feel very bad if you harm yourself. It's the people left behind who really hurt. Please talk to your pdoc and get help. Hugs...Cindy W
Posted by Jena Lyn on October 28, 2000, at 22:41:58
In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
I am not familiar with you being fairly-new to Psycho-babble ... I do want to send you my blessing and a bit of hope. I know how hell feels like, we all live in it everyday, and yeah, the light at the end of this VERY LONG tunnel may seem like it will never reach you, it will. Its a hard path to follow ... please hang on. I believe that those of us with mental disorders are the strongest souls on earth because we FIGHT everyday just to survive ... please keep fighting, just hold on!
* Blessings *
Jena Lyn
Posted by Racer on October 28, 2000, at 22:54:30
In reply to MAY THE WIND BE AT YOUR FRONT, posted by shar on October 28, 2000, at 20:53:09
Please, remember us. We care about you, in part because we are part of you and you part of us. By reaching out here, we all take part in a sort of a pact with one another: a pact that we'll try to hang on, together.
Please don't break your pact with us. Please try to hang on, for us as well as for you.
I hope that didn't sound selfish, I'm just trying to remind you that we have all suffered, and are holding on to each other to help us through.
Good luck to you, and good thoughts, as well.
Posted by Dasypodidae on October 28, 2000, at 23:05:47
In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
Just to add my voice to the others and say don't do it. I don't think you are thinking rationally so I won't try to reason with you. I will say again don't do it.
> I have suicidal idealation. Killing myself is the only thought that puts a smile on my face and makes me excited. I realized that these thoughts are absolutely obsured yet I still have incredible impulses to act on them. Especially when something goes wrong. I have attempted suicide two times in the last six weeks with alcohol, xanax, trazadone, codiene, tylenol and zyprexa. No one else is aware of what I am thinking about all the time and of how strong my suicidal obsessions actually are. If I enter the psych ward I will become increasingly worse. I have been on virtually every med there is. Without any medication in my system I am a sure thing for death as I would need to be put in restraints in order to keep myself alive. I have written a suicide letter telling everyone not to be sad that I am gone and to be happy for me as I will hopefully no longer be in agony. I have been dealing with mental disorders my entire life and nothing would make me happier then to say good-bye to the world. When I
> do die I expect many people to be awfully upset but in time maybe they can be happy for me. I am sure most people who do not understand will think that I chose to take the easy way out but I do not give a rats ass anymore. Even when I am feeling somewhat stable I still want to blow my head off. I am standing on the end of a cliff on one foot just waiting for a gust of wind to give that nudge that I so desperately need.
Posted by noa on October 29, 2000, at 10:47:18
In reply to DON'T DO IT ANDRE » Andre Allard, posted by Dasypodidae on October 28, 2000, at 23:05:47
Andre, I have not interacted very much with you directly, but I have been aware of your presence here and how much you mean to others here. I have witnessed you reaching out to help so many on this board, and I know many want to reciprocate now.
Please hang on. Please. Get yourself into a safe situation, and please consider the possibility that there is some strategy you haven't tried yet that could really work to make life more livable.
Posted by Cindy W on October 29, 2000, at 22:06:57
In reply to Re: DON'T DO IT ANDRE, posted by noa on October 29, 2000, at 10:47:18
> Andre, I have not interacted very much with you directly, but I have been aware of your presence here and how much you mean to others here. I have witnessed you reaching out to help so many on this board, and I know many want to reciprocate now.
>
> Please hang on. Please. Get yourself into a safe situation, and please consider the possibility that there is some strategy you haven't tried yet that could really work to make life more livable.Andre, so how are you doing? Please share whatever's bothering you. Your posts have helped me several times in the past. My thoughts are with you...Cindy W
Posted by Emmanuela on October 30, 2000, at 1:26:24
In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
Andre - I am brand new to this site - your words
ring so familiar - please, will you write to me?
Just an email...Thanks
Emmanuela
Posted by Rainwoman on October 30, 2000, at 9:48:02
In reply to THE END IS VERY, VERY CLOSE!, posted by Andre Allard on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:15
> I have suicidal idealation. Killing myself is the only thought that puts a smile on my face and makes me excited. I realized that these thoughts are absolutely obsured yet I still have incredible impulses to act on them. Especially when something goes wrong. I have attempted suicide two times in the last six weeks with alcohol, xanax, trazadone, codiene, tylenol and zyprexa. No one else is aware of what I am thinking about all the time and of how strong my suicidal obsessions actually are. If I enter the psych ward I will become increasingly worse. I have been on virtually every med there is. Without any medication in my system I am a sure thing for death as I would need to be put in restraints in order to keep myself alive. I have written a suicide letter telling everyone not to be sad that I am gone and to be happy for me as I will hopefully no longer be in agony. I have been dealing with mental disorders my entire life and nothing would make me happier then to say good-bye to the world. When I
> do die I expect many people to be awfully upset but in time maybe they can be happy for me. I am sure most people who do not understand will think that I chose to take the easy way out but I do not give a rats ass anymore. Even when I am feeling somewhat stable I still want to blow my head off. I am standing on the end of a cliff on one foot just waiting for a gust of wind to give that nudge that I so desperately need.Andre--
I do hope things are going better for you. I am really in hot water at work due to my depression and have no business not working right now, but when I saw your post, I had to write something. I completely understand so well what you are going through. Especially since the last 3 weeks I was so pissed at myself for not having the courage to off myself that I refused to let myself eat because it would sustain my life. There is now alot less of me to off. But that is not in my mind right now. I hope that the same thing happens to you, getting the obsession with your own demise out of your head, that is. Not deciding to become some kind of human skeleton. Although, tis the season, right? I understand how you feel so well that I probably wouldn't try to stop you if that was what you really wanted and your depression was as lengthy and painful as mine. I do however, hope that a better alternative presents itself to you with all my battle weary heart and although probably not all that dependable as a source for help right now, I would do anything I could! I also know the feeling that nobody can help, but hey, if your day's activities include a high dive off the nearest tall building, maybe you could give it a try!
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.