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Re: Depression

Posted by Cherrybomb on July 3, 2008, at 10:05:48

In reply to Re: Depression cherrybomb, posted by nfc on July 3, 2008, at 7:50:05

I always kind of wondered why he wasn't willing to set any boundaries. I tried a few years ago. I said that my emails should be short and positive, less personal,or maybe just forwarding jokes as I do with others. His response was that he didn't mind listening to me. He thought that setting boundaries or laying down the rules so to speak would make him intractable. He has even said at one time he doesn't want lines to be drawn. Why not? Don't we all need boundaries to be established in order to maintain a happy, healthy friendship? (or any other relationship.)He may realize that now, I don't know. My emotional state was weak. Because there were no boundaries and he unintentionally encouraged me by saying he doesn't mind listening to me, I took advantage of this simply because I liked having someone listen to me. Perhaps a bit selfish. I felt like I was the secret email friend that he would hang onto until things got more serious with his girlfriend. This took 6 years. I gotta give her credit for waiting that long for him to get divorced and buy his own house. Hope it's worth it. The point is, because no boundaries were ever established, even though I tried, and deep down I figured it would be best, things have disintegrated to the point where he basically ignores me. It's hurtful to see him ignore me every week. I understand why. At one time I said that I care (in a non-sexual way) and I was obviously upset, but I'm afraid that this made the situation worse. I want to talk, I would like things to be better, I want to resolve things, but it seems I'm going to have to force myself to pretend that everything is fine everytime I go to rehearsals or concerts. I'm going to have to pretend to be happy and talk to others as I have been. I guess I have to force myself to say nothing more than hello. I guess the point is, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to act. Acting desperate or pathetic doesn't help, but I don't want people to think that I don't care either, so It seems I'm kind of stuck as far as what to do. I'm sure that in his case, ignoring me is his defense mechanism. Perhaps it's a mistake to say how I feel, I don't know. I just know that I don't want things to be like this forever. I don't know if it's a bad idea to say that I never intended for things to be this way. I never intended to take advantage of his kindness. I never meant to make his relationship more complicated, I never meant for things to be the way they are. I never meant to be defensive and end up saying things that I shouldn't have said. He won't admit it, but I know that this was very hurtful and was probably the biggest friendship killer. I don't really want to be best friends, but it's hurtful to know that he won't even be social if I'm around. It makes me think that I should quit the ensemble, but this seems irresponsible as I'm a valuable member and a member of the board of directors. I don't want to feel this way forever, I don't know how to get to the point where we can have a simple, non-threatening conversation. I don't know if it does any good to say that I care and I want to try to do what's best.


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Psycho-Babble Relationships | Framed

poster:Cherrybomb thread:837474
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20071110/msgs/837824.html