Posted by alexandra_k on April 22, 2014, at 19:41:28
In reply to Re: He called!!!! » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2014, at 18:32:31
I was thinking about something from Kohut... Or maybe it was Winnicott...
About how disappointments and let downs etc etc etc were inevitable. Clients... Simply would have needs that exceeded the resources of the world. Like the child... The rage at the empty breast or something like that... Sometimes the world doesn't co-operate... And that isn't anyones fault.
And something, something, something, about the process of coming to terms with the way the world is. The reality constraint. Or something like that... Maybe that was Klein or somebody else.
Anyway... The idea is that attachment figures simply can't be perfect. There simply will be times when the clients need exceeds resources...
Kohut (pretty sure) thought that people didn't typically have difficulty coming to terms with that, though. Guess he was dealing with first world problems there etc... Or maybe not, actually, anyway, I digress... He thought that trauma wasn't due to that... That people were actually pretty good at coming to terms with that... So long as their caregiver was 'good enough'.
Apparently there are tracts and tracts and tracts written about what he meant by 'good enough'. Not entirely sure why because it seems fairly clear to me... Maybe because I need to think harder... Anyway... I think it is something about the attachment figure... Genuinely caring. Holding in mind. Empathising properly with the plight of the unmet need. Doing what is in their power. Not internalizing / lashing out for what isn't...
Sometimes this works, for some people anyway. Maybe for all given enough time. Or all rational ones (whatever that means).
Like how... I'm very sensitive to rejection. Because I don't attach, really. And so my being anxious about continuing on with my therapist after a period of going overseas... Was something that weighed heavily. I don't think I would have gone to the US if he hadn't have said he would keep a place open for me on my return. And then I let him know around 1 month prior to my returning... And that was within the couple months that we planned before I left... And I told him my flight details and everything...
And then when I got back he was all like 'phone my secretary if you want to make an appointment to see me but there isn't anything for a few months'. And... He didn't hold me in mind at all. And he didn't see that I took a huge risk in... Trusting him to be there for me when I got back. He didn't even realize that I did trust him. He couldn't even tell that that was my being attached. That I actually got attached to him. So I lost it, rather.
If he'd have acknowledged that he said he'd keep a space open... And said that due to unforseen whatever whatever there didn't happen to be one... If he'd just have empathised properly with where I was coming from (not altering the reality of my not being able to get into see him at all)... It would have been... Manageable. Not okay, actually. But... Manageable. Not an issue of misplaced or broken trust which is fairly irreparable.
Or again, if I turn up for an appointment and therapist isn't there because 'they forgot' that is a much much much much much bigger deal than if they got hit by a bus. The later is forgivable (I'd feel guilty for raging at them, even). The former... Not really so... Unless they forgot because their parent died or something... I could come to terms with that.
Your therapist didn't just forget you. Bail on you. He did hold you in mind... Differently from how he held his other patients in mind. Which seems appropriate given the history of your relationship. He did give you the explanation that you were in fact owed etc etc. He... Honored your relationship appropriately given the circumstances - yes?
The reality... He might in fact get hit by a bus. He might have another episode and be ferretted away 'for his own good'. There might be a hurricane... Life sucks sometimes... He's still the therapist he was, yeah?
My therapist... His forte was being there in the moment. There wasn't really anything else with him. When I was there in front of him... He was one of the most present people I've ever been with. If that makes sense. But holding me in mind? No. Not his forte, at all. I suppose in a sense... I have come to terms with that. As The Way He Is... Over the years. But I suppose it did mean that his uh... Usefulness (for want of a better word) to me was... Limited. The in the moment thing... It is still fairly unclear to me how much that retraumatised vs detraumatised me... I suppose it made me aware of my inability to be present with anyone.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1064580
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20140310/msgs/1064686.html