Posted by Kimberly April on April 18, 2014, at 18:23:21
I have been in therapy 5 years now as of this month. Many things have improved in my life, and I have made some progress related to mindfulness, emotional regulation, decrease in self-dest ructive behavior, and self-medicating. During this time I have come to "love" my therapist, for lack of a better word. I realize the therapy field is just so uncomfortable with the L word.
I haven't learned or found "the secret" to bring therapy to a close without feeling afraid, alone, isolated, unstable, or unsafe. I experienced a childhood of abuse of many kinds has been termed betrayal trauma some related to SA from a parent, and some from physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse. I just wanted to give you some background, and I hope this helps for you to shed some light on ending therapy safely without all of those old "demons" coming back again related to flashbacks, self-destructive behavior, self-medication, and a total lack of emotional regulation.
I do think about my therapist many times during the week, but that has lessened through the years, (thank goodness!) However, I still think about him a lot, miss him, and have very strong feelings for him. I am not detached from reality because I know we can't be friends. I this this is therapy, and I know this comes to an end. One of the problems is that I know this in my head, but my heart has not come around to this way of thinking or feeling. Please provide some insight on this related to my circumstances as much as possible so I can share it with my therapist and also so it will help me deal with how I feel, my fears, my projected fears of behaviors that my pop up during termination.
Please don't simplify this. I am in my 60's and some of therapy has been totally uncomfortable for me especially related to seeing my therapist as my father when he is 2 years younger than I am. This lasted for a while, and there were times I wanted to crawl under the floor in his office. There are still times I want to feel so close to him and wish he would sit closer to me and just reach out and touch me in a paternal way.
I don't want these feelings anymore, but it seems I can't make them go away. Please help. Even thought I don't want these feelings I still want a connection with my therapist, and just can't imagine not having that connection in my life.
We have talked about meeting every other week or once a month, but then he says the relationship would change and what we talk about would change because of not meeting weekly. So when I hear that and imagine what that might be like I pull back and my thoughts just end up in a frenzy of fear. I am hoping you can help me find my way through this maze of feelings, fears, and thoughts. I feel like I really love my therapist, but it is a paternal kind of love. But I also know he is not my father or even a brother. I yearn for his presence in my life. I feel I have never met anyone like him before. He is so real, caring, kind, and gentle while being strong at the same time. This is one of the most significant relationships I have ever had. If it helps to know I my dad was gone by the time I was two due to illness and being hospitalized for a long time. My mom was abuse in many ways including sexual and many other forms of abuse.
Thank you for having this blog, and for taking the time to answer some of these posts.
poster:Kimberly April
thread:1064448
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20140310/msgs/1064452.html