Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 20, 2011, at 21:14:12
In reply to Re: Agony » Annabelle Smith, posted by wittgensteinz on April 19, 2011, at 4:31:31
F*CK.
I wrote a long thread and lost it all. f*ck. f*ck. f*ck.
anyway. thanks for all that you guys had to say.
I talked to him. I went as usual-- he won't decide for me.
I skipped class today and spent my afternoon reading books on transference and bpd in the library. It seems pretty hopeless. These feelings are never going to go away.
I read of people who had been in therapy for 7 years and still felt this way. f*ck.
I don't have 7 years in this god-awful place. Maybe I should break it now. I have to be here for one year regardless because I made a commitment on a house.
This is horrible. I have an inexhaustible longing that can't be fulfilled-- this used to be directed towards God but now is directed towards my therapist. I know that he can never fulfill the infinite need that I have, and to imagine that he can is to keep myself in bondage.
I am strong enough. I can make it by myself.
I can be fine. I have to be. Maybe I'm not crazy. Maybe I just love deeply and get hurt a lot.
That's not a crime.
But this decision is impossible. I have to fight the suicidal feelings so much now. Today was really hard. My therapist mentioned hospitalization at our last session. no.no.no.
I don't need that. I will make it.I just need help with this decision.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:983016
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/983376.html