Posted by deerock on July 1, 2010, at 9:55:11
i took a break from my T for several weeks. i started to struggle and asked her to come back but also said i was not positive about working with her in the long term and needed to see her a few times while i thought about it. i consulted with another T in the meantime to help me make a decision. i saw her yesterday for the second time since taking the break. this is how it went.
me: i left you a message asking you to call doctor X, you did not call him. i need you to speak to him so he can help me make a decision about continuing treatment with you.
T: why am i supposed to call him? why is he not calling me?
me: because im asking you to call him. is there a problem with that?
T: yes. you are consulting with him. he is not consulting with me. you need to ask him to call me.
me: that's fine. no problem. i will let him know. however, it feels that out of the need to maintain some kind of self respect or integrity, you're holding to a conviction that he needs to call you and in fact that is getting in the way of this process. rather than be flexible and just call him youre trying to make some kind of point.
T: youre not my client. we havent decided to work together again. im willing to work with you once you make the decision but until then, i dont owe you anything.
me: (becoming enraged at this point due to her last comment and an overall feeling of her evasiveness being completely unnecessary) I think I want you to call him because he is a real doctor. You're not even a real doctor. (my T is a psyD and the consulting guy is an MD). (clearly I said this just to get to her)
T: i am a real doctor.
me: not in my eyes you arent.
T: look mr rock. if we are going to have a relationship, you are welcome to come in here and berate me all session long. however, you need to determine if this is productive for you and at some point decide to focus on what's good in here and talk about that rather than attacking me and devaluing me.
me: im really sorry. sorry that was so rude. sorry.
t: time is up. have a good weekend and take care and please let me know how you want to proceed in terms of tretment with me.-------------------------------------------
so i think what is going on is that when i told her to call this other T, i said it, in a way that was patronizing to her. i did not mean to do this. but it came across like "call this guy, he will let you know how bad you are, youre being bad." so she felt the need to stand up for herself. i became enraged because i felt this was not necessary for her to do.
now im confused because we often have sessions, many sessions in the last several months that we worked together that i rage at her and its not productive. and it seems like when i get angry, she becomes defensive and my anger escalates instead of my anger being a catalyst for insight and change. this is very unproductive. i dont know how to get beyond this right now.
her telling me to focus on the positive feels like she is telling me to just knock it off and be a good boy. but it feels more complicated than that. because i dont often realize im devaluing her. and once i do it, she becomes defensive and i dont know why she is being defensive since i dont realize i just did something. it seems like there is more to it than just hey rock cmon knock it off and be nice.
but maybe there isnt. wondering what others say to this story. thanks for reading. i appreciate it.
poster:deerock
thread:952780
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100529/msgs/952780.html