Posted by rskontos on October 14, 2009, at 13:48:37
In reply to My therapist acknowledges that I am ugly, posted by Dinah on October 9, 2009, at 11:57:42
I have been gone for a while. Doing other things mostly. Trying to sort myself out as well. I came back here and read this thread and it hurt me for you to think of yourself in those terms. But I do, believe I understand when you hate the reflection of yours that echos your mother. I too often feel I look like my mother and I want to tear out that image in my head. I might look like her but I am not like her. I worked hard at being a good mother and person. Of which she was neither.
Now. I think that maybe you hate the outside reflection of you that doesn't match what you feel inside. It is hard to look at ourselves and not see all the bad we perceive out there. Perhaps further down the road when we feel more settled with ourselves we can the outside for what it really is. I don't know.
I do know that I went to an exercise retreat. It did me a world of good because I put myself out there and let strangers see me. The part of me I always hide. It was hard, I got panicky. I even went up on stage and told my journey of how I arrived at that point. It was scary but so good for me. Only triggered one panic attack which I was able to focused down with only self talk. No meds. I only dissociated a few times. Mostly I stayed present.
I did win (not sure it was a prize) a chance to have my photo taken by a professional, with a professional makeup artist and hair professional. I hate my photo. Because it reflects someone I don't think I am right now.
Is that how you might feel sometimes? The outside reflects someone you aren't really. If so, you have company.
I feel you are a beautiful person. At this Retreat, there were women of all sizes, shapes, colors and bodies. But each one was special and lovely in her own right. Most were of a type most people would not want to be, but they were there doing something for themselves because they were worth it. I applauded each person and her story. Each person had a beautiful spirit.
That beauty of spirit is what we see here. Maybe one day, you can blend the two, the outside with the inside, and be ok with it.
I hope that is what your conversations with your T leads to. A new identity of what is inside and out. And how the two can live in harmony.
Take care, you're a beauty inside and out.