Posted by Dinah on September 24, 2009, at 10:20:53
In reply to Need help understanding these tears, posted by Daisym on September 24, 2009, at 1:07:36
Maybe part of it *is* that your therapist is so wonderful and so caring. I've often thought that if he were my therapist I'd fall madly and most uncomfortably in love with him. Standing at the bottom of the stairs, or writing that note to you with the object he left you while he was gone. Those are wonderful caring things to do and I admire him so much for doing them. But they may also have stirred up feelings in me of longing and hoping that would have been so painful.
I often wonder if I'm not lucky to have such an imperfect therapist. He carelessly tramples my feelings so many times. If he finds out about it, he might say that I've misunderstood him, or that he's sorry I felt that way (I hate that) but he often acknowledges that what he said did hurt me, and that it is a truth that does hurt. When I cry that I wish this or that, he says "I know" with such humor and warmth that it eases the sting of rejection or boundaries as he'd put it. But rejection and boundaries are still what they are.
I'd see the tears as grief. For what you have a glimpse of but no chance of holding. For the golden dream that will never be. My therapist makes it easy enough to know that outside the therapy room as well as in it, he is no golden dream. If I long for more, I'm brought to the amused realization that I *have* the best of him, for what it's worth. I've heard him talk to his family, and believe me, being his therapee/daughter is way better than the real thing. (Although I'm still madly jealous of his niece.)
One thing I will say is that it wasn't until I totally accepted and grieved what I would never have from him, that I was able to fully embrace what I did have from him. It may not be what I dreamed of, but it's a pretty darn good reality.
Your therapist, what he does give to you, is a pretty darn good reality. But I see why you are as frustrated with what you can't have as I was that I can't have more of those audio clips, instead of rejoicing with what I did find. I could have had twice as much joy.
But Daisy, you do know that he might not be such a great lover? He might not know how to make sex safe or joyous for you. He might come home at the end of the day and snap at his wife and kids. Who he is in the room with you is not all of who he is. But it might be the best part of him. The golden part of him.
poster:Dinah
thread:918256
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/918293.html