Posted by Daisym on August 20, 2009, at 12:47:18
In reply to Feeling kind of blue (**csa trigger), posted by antigua3 on August 20, 2009, at 12:05:50
I think it is common to go from "I need to know what happened" to "I wish I didn't know what I now know is true." Shattered is a good word. But really what has been shattered are the lies and defenses, not you. YOU are still in there.
I think you have figured out a way to start. Look at those pieces of your life that feel good and whole. I believe that the seeds that will grow the "new" you are most likely planted in your children. You took your essence and allowed it to germinate and live in them. Now you need to take a cutting, and replant it in your own soul. Sounds like you have been weeding your garden and turning the soil - so that good things can grow.
I'm not sure you are going too fast. I think when the body decides to throw up this stuff and the brain provides the opening, it just comes up. And up. And up. It will ease off and then you can process what it all means and how it connects to who you are now. Because we become who we are from our experiences - or maybe, sometimes in spite of them. I think the best thing is to not try to process all this information at once but instead of take care of yourself. Just like if you had a big open wound, you wouldn't do rehab until the wound heals enough to bear the weight. So nurture yourself, cry, grieve and allow the anger. Understanding will come later.
And I don't say that lightly. I know the persistence of the question WHY? And WHERE WAS EVERYONE? But if you can, for now, set them aside and just tell the stories.
Tuesday I spent the whole session sobbing - most of it with my sweatshirt over my head. I was triggered by group the night before and I just needed to retell some stuff, and feel it and be there with my therapist and cry. I told him that it didn't feel like I was working - just crying. He said this is the deepest kind of work - letting it up and out and accepting his caring as I did that. And while I felt raw and tired after, I did feel better.
And if there is more - it won't kill you. It hasn't yet. It will hurt and be awful again, but you keep proving over and over how strong you are. Don't borrow anxiety - just know that you aren't alone with any of it.
poster:Daisym
thread:913139
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090730/msgs/913150.html