Posted by workinprogress on June 16, 2009, at 3:05:16
In reply to Don't like these new feelings of attachment!, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 15, 2009, at 15:27:29
Hey there. I'm sorry I've been out of touch. I'm out of town working on a campaign that means 90-100 hour weeks, but I've been following you and others on the boards periodically. Anyway, I wanted to check in and say.. yes, I so get it.
These are HARD feelings to have, but really real. And, like everything- good to talk about with your therapist. I remember talking to mine and her saying that 1) it's hard to feel little with me but more importantly 2) it's really brave and courageous to let yourself feel little with me. It was only when I finally just let myself feel what I was feeling... that I really just wanted to curl up and crawl into her lap, to be comforted and loved and noticed by her. That my needs were really that of a little kid. When I finally let myself really go there and want that and yes, fall asleep to that fantasy and imagery, that was when I finally began to let go of all the crap in my mind. That was when the intense obsession began to ebb. That was when, after letting myself go there for a while, I started to need her less. I know it sounds crazy and weird, but letting myself feel those feelings (that are always there and need an outlet)... that was the only way they were going to go anywhere.
She just kept saying, that yearning you feel will always be there until you really let yourself feel it. I kept wondering what it meant to really feel it. And what i figured out in the end was that I needed to stop feeling bad about it. I needed to stop trying to stop that feeling. I needed to let myself really want to be in her lap. I needed to let myself really imagine her holding me. I needed to let myself really want/need her. I needed to let myself think of her as that mom figure I never had. And I did. And in a much quicker time than all the transference obsession had taken... in a much quicker time than that... it ALL melted away.
And now I'm left with a very very secure connection with her. I still think of her that way, I still need her in that way, but the need is comfortable and safe. She doesn't occupy my brain the way she used to. She's just a part of me now and it's wonderful and safe and good. But, I finally get how I needed to let myself feel that yearning, because if I hadn't I'd still be trapped in that painful place of pushing her back.
You'll figure out what works for you in your own time. I just thought I'd share my experience with you because I so didn't even understand what she meant at the time. I wanted a picture of what the heck she was talking about. I hope my story can be helpful to you...
Thinking about you and wishing you the best. I will say I think these are all good steps for you. Keep talking to your T.
> I want the old miserable feelings back. The new miserable feelings are even worse. I feel like a baby now. Well, maybe more like a six-year-old. When I'm looking at my T, I feel like I'm looking up at her from this little child place. I really feel like that. I haven't before (consciously, anyway). My feelings for her previously have been so dominated by having a crush on her and a fierce sexual attraction. She's practically a peer. She is close to me in age and very beautiful - totally my type too (for real, not just cause she is my T). Plus, what I know of her outside interests (which is very little) allows for me to imagine other things we have in common. We both have a young child. She is straight and unobtainable. It's a perfect situation for unrequited love.
> But this?!?!?! A needy, snot-nosed attachment to her? Wishing I could crawl into her lap and have her hold me? I'm so confused and humiliated by these feelings too. First sexual fantasies, now mommy fantasies? ARGH!!!!! I want Out Of My Skin. How am I supposed to regulate all of this?
> I even called my own mother last night I was feeling so desperate. It was the strangest conversation. Right away she could tell something was "wrong" and went into her irritated voice. What did I want? What was wrong? etc. I managed to say there was nothing in particular and that I just wanted some comfort from her. I've never said anything quite like that to her before. Then, neither one of us knew what to say. She said, "Well, I can do that, I guess." And then silence. We were both lost. *sigh*
> I have left 3 message for my T today.