Posted by rskontos on March 31, 2009, at 22:20:49
In reply to Re: Dissociation Frustrations-Long post., posted by Tamara Beezley on March 31, 2009, at 21:33:06
> RSKONTOS-
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> Sorry that you are having such difficult experiences. Dissociating non-stop can be extremely exhausting.****Thanks. It is.
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> I have been in therapy for the last 5 years, and some throughout my childhood and am just now getting a more accurate picture/diagnosis of what I am experiencing.
***I have been dissociating since a very young age. Bad childhood. I have been reading alot trying to get a handle on my dx too. I have been dx DID. But I am always fighting it or trying to find a way to validate for myself.
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> 18 mos of therapy is a good start for severe dissociation, but it can take a while to get to the root of what is leading to your experiences
***Ain't that the truth.
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> I am glad that you have been able to alleviate some of your anxiety...that is progress. Unfortunately it sounds like that has come with a trade off. Do you have any understanding as to what is leading you into your dissociation?***I only know some of the abuses. My sisters filled me in on some and some they suspected. But as for my remembering that is just not happening in a way that makes sense. I have loads of distrubing flashbacks. But I have used xanax to control those because it got to be way too much. I started dissocaiting during sessions and my t slowed things down. He says I need to trust him move before we tackle too much more of the deep stuff. But he tries to figure out why I am now ramping up on my dissociative moments. At least they feel like moments. But aren't really.
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> I encourage you to keep going to therapy and working toward your goals. I know it is not easy to do. I have my moments when I am sure I can't keep it up and when I don't want to keep it up too.***yeah, my T won't let me quit although I certainly have tried and tried every excuse I could come up with and he managed to shoot them all down. Good T.
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> I am intrigued a bit by your comment that you can't control it. Most people I have talked to and most research I have done, plus my own experiences, tell me that it is a very difficult thing to *control*. Yet, you state that you have figured out some how to induce it. Are you inducing it on purpose? If so, why would you want to induce it?>> Well I accidently realized if I think about certain events I have a vague memory of then I will bam left the planet as far as I know for a certain time. Once when I was exploring my mind for memories I came to a strange place in my head and the whole room spun. There are certain memories or vague ones that set me and the whole conscious world spinning. My t and I have and haven't explored it too much. He still thinks I need more trust in our relationship I guess. At least that is what he says is the reason he isn't trying to get more into the DID part. I think he has met more than I know of and he is waiting for me to be more trusting. I find the whole thing unnerving. So no, I am not trying I just stumble on it then I did test it a few times but to tell you the truth it scared me. And when I was telling him about it in a session, I got all floaty and almost left the room. (in my head I mean not physically. )
And as for the control thing, I thought if I could control it I would be more "normal" something I crave but again isn't happening now or ever I think sometimes. If only I could keep those destructive ones in the background.>> Some I am now co-conscious with but only about three. The rest are out of my reach. But we are trying. Lately too much has brought me into feeling so much more unstable. Floaty as I call it but I guess the real terms are derealization and depersonalization which are a huge part right now.
Like today, I was so numb no feelings and my t says that is dissociation too. We talk about it alot but the talk makes me even more uncomfortable. I called him last week in a crisis mode. He tries so hard to help.
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> It is not difficult for anybody to induce dissociation. One can use mind altering substances, alcohol, meditation, etc.No I don't use substances or alcohol or meds just wellbutrin for more energy (not really working) and xanax for the anxiety.
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> Anyway, I hope you are doing a little better by the time you read this. :)Well not really but I am trying. But thanks. I dissociate daily at work. I am beginning not freak out about it since i can't stop it and I can't fathom what is causing it. We(t and me, my t is also my p-doc) talk about it often but I just say I don't know alot.
I hope you get the peace you search for too. My t says that I would have so much more energy for the good stuff in life if I can get a handle on this. I hope so, but sometimes I lose hope, and those darn voices that contribute to the loss of hope are many in side my head.
again, thanks for listening to my ramblings. take care
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:885865
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/887979.html