Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 7:25:59
Disclaimer, this is not quite a health post or an eating post. I truly believe it is a /psycho/ post.
Before the holiday, T and I had been starting to do some work on body image, feeling safe, and feeling threatened. Self-esteem. He even had the nerve to say "One of the sexiest things a woman can do is to have self-confidence". This was in response to my telling him that I wanted to feel confident AND safe. Anyhoo... T has been sensitive about this stuff, and I *know* that I have a long ways to go concerning developing a healthier, more forgiving and kinder attitude towards my body-temple. This a.m. I worshiped at the temple with Ghiradelli brownies and Kenyan coffee. Feeling guilty, I made a cup of herbal tea to hydrate. now I feel yucky. I digress.
Synchronicity
I discovered a podcast by Renee Stephens called Inside Out Weight Loss. It's got a lot of good ideas on self-help tips (think CBT without the boring-ness) to help me understand my relationship with food, attitudes towards eating, and my ambivalence towards taking care of my external physical self.
I had a revelation before Xmas- why do I need to wait until I have a body that is some number of pounds before I start dressing "cute". So, I went on a miniskirt, tights and legwarmer shopping spree with my Xmas money (that would be buddhist Xmas, mind you *wink!)
So, I dressed cute, felt confident, etc. It was good. My family commented a tiny bit on it. Surpisingly, my mother declined to say anything pejorative. Previous comments have included "Are you sure you want to wear a skirt so short? What kind of message are you sending?" etc.
more synchronicity.
My mom told me last week that the lumps they removed from her thyroid a few weeks ago are malignant. She's got cancer. Her treatment involves radioactive iodine, and she has to be iodine-starved before she can begin treatment. That means special salt, no preserved foods, and many other restrictions. I noticed her SNEAKING food during the holidays. She'd wait until the kitchen was empty, and then go in, and come out licking a spoon or something. My mom is a true food addict. She watched us eat our holiday meals like an addict, despite having 80% of the exact same food on her own plate. Desserts were very difficult for her.
I'm pissed at her for not following her iodine diet strictly. This is her friggin' life.
I don't want to end up this way, but I have a lot of ambivalence about my body. Do you guys have any ideas about "foundational work" I can do with T? Ways I can bring this stuff up in therapy without wishing I was wearing a down coat and a sloppy sweatsuit. I HATE to talk about my body wearing a skirt, or even fitted clothing. So uncomfortable. My T is fit, and I know that he is very conscious to take care of his health. He is fit and trim, but in his late 60's (70?) etc. We do not share a gender or a generation. Can we possibly understand one another?
Scared for my mama
-Ll
poster:llurpsienoodle
thread:871594
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871594.html