Posted by Partlycloudy on December 30, 2008, at 7:05:01
In reply to Re: Letting go of family and home » Partlycloudy, posted by workinprogress on December 30, 2008, at 1:15:37
I think I have a lot of mourning to do about my family. I've been carrying bucket after bucket after bucket of my own emotional water to the well, as it were, for years. I've lived far from home since 1983, sometimes overseas, and the separation and isolation is very real in a physical sense.
But I've always found visits back "home" very triggering. I was a heavy drinker for many years and just staying with my mother was enough to send me on a binge, and I never understood what that was all about. When I found my sobriety and started to explore what my various triggers were, it still took me a long time to accept that it wasn't the city that could send me into a tailspin, but the people I chose to be with that agonized me so that I just wanted to stop feeling the only way I'd known how.
I've since had a romp with PTSD and confronting some more monsters in my closet, and pretty much since September it's been a rather rough ride. The deeper I dig, the more my family retreats in terms of support, compassion, encouragement, and yes, what I'd have to say is love. They are so uncomfortable with the expression of feelings - and so much of what I'm going through now is related (pun intended) directly back to my mother and father.
So even though I didn't see any of them over the holidays, it wasn't a pleasant time with them. I had a bad phone call with a sister in law, hung up on my mother, and another brother just dropped me mid email conversation like a hot potato. They don't want to know, don't want to see, I'm too real and hurting.
My therapist says that I'm getting into the "meat" of my healing now. Can we hurry it up, please? Or, where's that fast forward button? And can I eat something without feeling nauseous? Please? Please?
poster:Partlycloudy
thread:871283
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871387.html