Posted by workinprogress on December 29, 2008, at 11:27:18
In reply to Letting go of family and home, posted by Partlycloudy on December 29, 2008, at 11:08:49
Will write more later, my family is getting out the door and being freaky about it, so I can't write more. But.... *****I soooooo get it***** and big hugs to you. I particularly get the no feelings and the talking about nothing. So glad to be leaving it today!
WIP
> I know I said I wasn't going to come back until after the new year, but a lot has been going on.
>
> And I had that nice old take back of the pbc, such a great holiday present, no matter who delivered it :-)
>
> Been seeing my T twice a week lately. Doing a lot of processing, of the PTSD stuff, of mom stuff, of family stuff. Much of it has been feeling like whacking my head against a wall, like - "OK, this time, I'm GETTING it. I get this message." Mother - NOT there for me. Family - NOT there for me. As my therapist has said to me, more than once, "the well is dry, and there is not enough water for you to bring to it to make it wet again." There is no nurturing to be had from my family, no acknowledgment of emotions or feelings, whether good or bad.
>
> Where is my way forward? Because staying where I've been, hoping that I'll get what I desire the most, is most certainly making me sicker and sicker. So, for me, the only answer can be to let go. There are no family for me, there really is no home for me to go back to, not unless I'm willing to take giant leaps backwards in my health and recovery. It's not enough that I be OK with what they have to give me, because they actually don't give at all; they just suck you dry, and fill themselves up with drinking, with pills, with talking without saying anything.
>
> This is hard, but it feels like the right way forward. I think it is the only way up and out for me. My family can't help me heal. My mother is utterly incapable. I have to find these things elsewhere, within myself, perhaps in other people in my life, I don't know.
>
> It has totally sucked to have been away from babble throughout this part of my journey, but I think that too was necessary. I have been absolutely rubbed raw and completely agitated. My sleep is still not solid yet - it turns out that I haven't been eating enough, either (having trouble chewing and swallowing). So Christmas was torture. But it's the other side. I held my head, and rocked back and forth, and the time passed.
>
> Things have to get better.
poster:workinprogress
thread:871283
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871284.html