Posted by workinprogress on December 27, 2008, at 21:13:15
In reply to Re: Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support! » workinprogress, posted by DAisym on December 27, 2008, at 0:26:57
> I bet many of us could have written all or part of your post. Trying to reconcile what we are learning about boundaries and feelings in therapy with real-life family situations is tough.
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I bet you are right. It's one of the reasons I wrote... I know I'm not alone in feeling alone with family.
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> I think only you can answer if this is progress or not. I think sometimes we imagine that there is this magical place we are going to get to by doing all this work on ourselves and in understanding our history and its impact on us. But understanding doesn't always bring relief. In fact, it can make it much tougher to tolerate our families and their quirks. For myself, it makes me lonely often, even in the midst of a big family. And sometimes I chuckle - I think, "and *I'm* the one who is in therapy around here??"
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> I think you must ask yourself two things. One is - What is your primary goal for yourself? What do you want to be able to do about your brother's remarks? It is important to realize that just because you are willing to own your own "stuff" doesn't mean he will ever be.********
My goal is to get through it, without flipping out and flooding and looking like the one who's the jerk. Last year I ignored and ignored and then totally lost it, yelling and acting like a 12 year old drunken sailor. It was the last my mother saw of me until this year. So, this year T and I came up with the "confront the bully" strategy. But, I think I can't differentiate well enough yet to do it well. And, I'm not sure he'll ever listen enough to not turn it back around on me. All he has to do is say I didn't mean it. He doesn't seem to care (at least in his response) that I was hurt- I'm just too sensitive. BUT, today was progress, his tone was different, he did seem to be paying attention. It was MUCH better in fact. So, maybe me crying was better than "fighting back" as I have been. Though- get this... we went golfing today. He hasn't golfed in years, my 82 year old father golfs all spring and summer. It was the last hole and my brother was up by a stroke. My dad got a 3, he got a 5 (I heard both of them say this and noted it bc I got a 4 on that hole and it was the only one I did better on and dad's was par and he noted that). However, the scorecard reads 4 for dad and 4 for my brother. He HAS to win- at everything. Golf and conversation. Very impressive for a 37 year old huh? That gave me some validation that my experience is probably not so far off for some reason. In other words, he probably is talking down to me.
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>>We can't do the therapy work for our whole family. He will probably always consider his remarks as harmless joking, no matter what you say to him. So you have to ask yourself how often and why you are willing to put yourself within ear-shot. This is really difficult - protecting yourself might mean less contact with your family. It is hard to love them and hate how they treat you. It is hard to want to see one of them - or just your parents, or whatever - if the family comes as a package.
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You are right. They come as a package. I see them once a year. Last year I took a trip with my dad alone. Loved it! Will try to do it next year. Sort of about as little as feels ok.
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For what it is worth - I doubt that your brother's remarks will ever cease to sting. When you are a sensitive person, you feel it. No matter how much you tell yourself it doesn't matter, it does and it will hurt. I know for me, I'm working on acknowledging and accepting my own feelings, without it dragging me down for days and days. And I'm working on knowing it isn't my problem - it is theirs - it is my hurt, but not my fault. That is a huge shift. I think it is unrealistic to ever think we can ever do enough work in therapy so that our families don't hurt us, because being in touch with our feelings means feeling the hurt too. But we can do enough work to not question ourselves or offer ourselves up or be a martyr.
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I feel like I'm getting closer to this. Differentiating. Their stuff, not mine. Totally right, that would be progress. Yes, it will still hurt, but I will no longer accept their turning it on me. That's the one down side about seeing them less, less practice. I think I'm ok with that though ;)
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> The other question is about love. What will you need to feel love from your family? And how are they receiving your love - and have you been able to check out your perceptions? I *know* my family loves me. They are all doing the best they can. But they don't show me the way I wish they would sometimes, especially my mom. And sometimes they don't understand me either. I think I've shown someone how much I care and they haven't received the message the way I intended. So finding a way to check in is important when we are trying to change or rebuild family relationships.
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I KNOW my parents love me. I will never feel it from them really and I accept that. They do their best. I think they know I love them. I do my best to show them as much as they will let me... which isn't much. There's no talking about ANYTHING anywhere close to this in my family.
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> I don't know if any of this post makes much sense. I know how hard it can be to really try to be open and appropriate with family members, to tell them they are hurting your feelings and then to run up against the same old wall - they turn it into all about you. But I'm not sure therapy can ever fix that - it can just help you change your response a bit. And this would be progress, IMO.
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> I'm sorry you are hurting. Did anything go well?**************
I always enjoy my Dad. I'm going to see a college roommate that I haven't seen in a decade tomorrow. Other than that... it's tolerate. I have no idea what it feels like to say "it was so good to see my family". I can't wait to go back home, to my chosen family (friends and therapist... where I do feel love).
Thanks you Daisy for your thoughts. I think it is progress to feel. I think it is helpful to feel how alone I feel. How alien. How shut down. It helps me so much to understand how starving I was as a kid. How hard it must have been, how real that stuff about turning on myself is. T and I have been talking about it so much, but I didn't feel/see it last year, only on a superficial level. This year I am now feeling enough that I understand better what it felt like to be little WIP. Make sense?
Thanks... good things to think about.
WIP
poster:workinprogress
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871092.html