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Re: Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support!

Posted by antigua3 on December 27, 2008, at 1:03:07

In reply to Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support!, posted by workinprogress on December 26, 2008, at 23:40:52

You have my support. I have a sibling who treated me horribly growing up, and everyone in my family will attest to that. But nobody ever tried to stop my sibling. Why? I don't know; maybe they were afraid too, but that is not a justification. I was just a little girl who did nothing to warrant this abuse.

My situation is a little different in that my sibling has stopped the abuse; instead, the abuse has been papered over with loving kindness, which is almost harder to take, wanting a relationship now while I am not in a position to forgive. I've come to an understanding of the motives behind this behavior, but it doesn't change that it happened. I'm not ready to forgive, and it doesn't help that this person is truly mentally ill now and couldn't withstand any sort of attack I could mount if I felt I wanted to take them on. But I don't want to do that; it would open a pandora's box that would change the dynamic of our family, which is not my place at the moment to be doing.

I'm sorry your trip was so difficult, but you were brave, braver than I could ever be to try to say something to stop it.

I agree with Daisy. You can't change your brother's behavior; you can only change how you respond to it. You are finding validation with your T that your feelings are right, and that's a great step forward.

Progress? IMO, a huge "yes!", mainly because I admire you for dealing with the feelings and not intellectualizing them like I do and rarely getting to the feelings. It has taken me years to feel. I'm not kidding, and how pathetic is that? It has been the only way I could cope. I'm not saying I haven't cried or expressed sadness, anger, whatever, but getting to the root of my feelings has been extremely difficult, and I've been in therapy for years and years!

Yes, it hurts, and you do have to find a balance between feeling and coping, and learning to live life. You will find a way; you're just so mired in the feelings right now, you're having a hard time finding a way to cope. You will find a way; you will get better, I really believe that.

take care of yourself. That's really important. Find ways to soothe yourself when you are overcome by the feelings. Constructive ways to cope--not destructive, like I did for decades--but ways that make you feel good about yourself and the progress you're making. Give yourself credit for trying. It is so very, very difficult.
antigua

 

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poster:antigua3 thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870980.html