Posted by DAisym on December 21, 2008, at 13:56:09
In reply to I'm confused, posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
Antigua,
So much of what you've written about your Pdoc makes me smile. I think he is afraid of the word "relationship." Because clearly you have one with him - and him with you. Even by rote definition, you are in a relationship. He say he cares, he talks about transference, he refers to himself as a "positive, male authority, father figure" - he just can't tolerate the label relationship. Makes me wonder. I love that he said he won't leave you, even though you don't need him for medication management anymore.
I think the rage is probably connect to several things right now and you are channeling most of those feelings into cleaning and cooking and Holiday prep. Sometimes having to do Holiday stuff, pretending to be cheerful makes one rageful. I think it is how we must have felt at the time of the abuse - pretending all is OK when it wasn't. And not having your child home creates so much conflict. For me, I know I'm a good mom (OK, most of the time I know it, sometimes I feel like the worst mom in the world.). The thought of not being the mom anymore - that my kids don't need me - makes me feel like I don't know who I am and what my purpose is. Being a mom was my center. What do you replace that with? Because attending to their needs took up the space and let me not attend to mine. So letting them go is hard and yet it is the right thing to do. I wish it wasn't so conflicted.
I also agree with you that the drugs dampen things and as they clear your system, your brain chemicals have to readjust - so sometimes there is too much of this or that - so we are overly weepy, or overly angry or perhaps appropriately so but we aren't use to the feelings so they feel over the top. I talk a lot about being a drama-queen in therapy. My therapist is always astounded. He says I'm far from being a drama queen but he thinks that being in touch with my feelings and verbalizing them makes me feel like one.
I hope you can not get stuck on forcing him to admit to a relationship but instead work with this realization that you do care for him and like him - that the attachment is/has happened. Often this attachment will unlock other areas of the brain and will stir up intense needs to defend against these feelings. You can expect some jealousy, some regression and lots of tenderness and sadness. We grieve when we finally really feel and realize that which we did not have. It is painful but as he said, necessary.
I like that you wrote so much. It is good to hear what is happening.
poster:DAisym
thread:869792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870074.html