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omg, i exploded...**Trigger**

Posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 15:57:58

In reply to SO much to talk about, not enough..., posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 12:08:58

i feel like a pile of mush. please i need you all so much right now.
i need the only 'real' family i have (you babblers) to circle around me and stand guard. i feel very open and unsafe right now.

i just got out of session and barely made it here to the library to get online. i started VERY slowly, told her it was hard to talk, she tried to find out why...hard to start, not sure what to say, too much...."YES" i said. to all.

i started talking about some of the little things, then we got moved onto 'family' and whats going on right now.
i'm HIGHLY vulnerable to depression and suicide attempts this time of year.
but i was able to make it through thanksgiving with sanity relatively intact, i guess it's just all hitting the fan now.
i have my dads' extended family this sat. (of which i'll probably have to miss a graduation get together for my 'best' friend)
then DH side for x-mas eve and my immediate side for xmas day.

then i started stressing about WHY i didn't want to get together with them and Yep, littleone barreled out. Then to h@ll with the subject of Christmas stress she decided to blurt out another abuse episode(s) regarding a childhood game.
Then after she was done telling and heard some things that helped her (h@ll if i know what that was) i switched back to freaky me, but she was just at the surface...i couldn't hold her back she kept barrelling out! i tried SOOOO HARD to keep her in.
T was telling me she can talk next time but that wasn't good enough. so out she came again and started crying...finally T came close and talks like she does to her and told her that she wants to hear from her but it needs to continue next time. not right now. that she cares what she says (or something or rather...not really sure what she said) anyway i never really switched back. middleone came out ducked her head down and would NOT look at T. made T leave out the door first.
we snuck out the back door and i went down the back exit, but stopped on the stairs to just 'get my barrings'.(to allow myself to switch as necessary...usually when i relax a little i can come back to me).
Still fuzzy i got in the car and drove straight here.

ALL i could think about was the image of all you forming a circle around me. protecting me.
you...my REAL familly. ones that know my secrets, know my struggles and accept me anyway. Dont ridicule me, don't disbelieve me, dont call me a liar. and dont form judgements!!!

i desperately need to be here right now. i'm sorry its so long but i'm trying to 'get back' so that i can drive to the daycare to pick up my IRL little one.
i just want to cower under a desk right now. curl up inside myself, chin to knees and stay that way all night.
maybe IRL little one will go to bed a little early tonight and i can have some 'down time' and watch an old movie or something...

**********
littleone's pounding messages into my head right now. she wants to tell you: i just want help right now. will you help me? T left me. i'm scared. i'm sad. i'm alone...
i love you.


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:B2chica thread:869435
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/869467.html