Posted by Dinah on November 11, 2008, at 14:56:48
In reply to To quit or fall in love with my therapist, posted by Trotter on November 11, 2008, at 14:10:36
Hmmm...
I need to think about everything you said a bit more. Something about the way she phrased things niggles at bit at me, though I'm not sure why.
But I did want to comment on this.
"Quit or allow myself to fall in love (not lust!) with my therapist. I know this may seem a bizarre attitude, but I see any concept of middle ground as 'holding back' and would restrict the potential for real gains. The more I 'surrender' my control and encourage myself to love, perhaps even from a submissive perspective, the more I will get out of it. This is really scary territory for me."
It doesn't seem a bizarre attitude to me at all. I can understand how you might feel that way.
There is a middle ground between holding back and falling in love. It's *loving*. No falling involved. No surrender of control. No submission. No expectations of anything further. I suppose it could, but doesn't need to, involve dependence. It definitely involves attachment, trust, a few leaps of faith, the risk of loss, the risk of abandonment. It's an opening of oneself, so it's scary, yes. But it's not the start of something else. It's an end in itself.
I don't know if it's something you can set out to do. I don't know if it's a side effect of therapy. No matter whether she's an analyst or not, it seems odd to me to set out to develop a close attachment over a period of years. It seems more reasonable to me to commit to try to open yourself to another person, for the benefits that brings. A close attachment might result, if the fit is right, and the therapist is open. It might last years, but if it does, it will be a natural outgrowth of the relationship.
Would you feel more comfortable to think of going in and opening yourself to this analyst, who happens to be a woman?
The fact that it felt like breaking up with her might mean that you have some attachment to her already. But it might just be the conditioned response of a male about to choose to stop seeing a female. Evolution hard wires us for some things, and that would be a sort of instance of transference maybe? Feelings from other situations bringing themselves into this situation event though they aren't a real part of this relationship? That's kind of how it works, isn't it? Finding yourself feeling these things, but with a therapist not a "woman". Talking about what it feels like, what it reminds you of, what fears it brings up, etc. Then by working through that with the analyst, you'll be more free to enter into relationships with real "women" without the baggage of your automatic responses that might not really apply.
If you have perfectly satisfactory relationships with women, or largely satisfactory relationships with women, or you are doing ok in general, it might not be worth the time or money.
But if not, maybe you've just experienced your first jolt of what this kind of therapy can be. If you allow yourself to carry over other feelings you feel toward other people to her, you can experience it more often. (Assuming she's skilled enough to notice and deal with the transference properly).
Hmmm... Looks like I commented on the rest anyway. :)
poster:Dinah
thread:862320
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/862338.html