Posted by Dinah on November 8, 2008, at 9:20:02
In reply to Re: My T makes an inappropriate joke... » DAisym, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 8, 2008, at 8:40:11
> One thing that I really like about my therapists that I've had past and present is the degree to which they were AUTHENTIC with me.
> Of course, knowing THAT, I worry that he won't bring all of his talents to bear on sessions with me, spending the time instead to have some kind of casual conversation because I am easy to talk to. It's a fine line, I suppose. I want to be liked, but I also want to be taken seriously. The story of my life.
I've been meaning to start a thread on this topic myself. The tradeoffs involved in having an authentic therapist. And also in feeling comfortable with a therapist. I've noticed that since my therapist has started feeling so comfortable with me, that I have to keep an eye on things to make sure that it doesn't interfere with my legitimate needs in therapy.
I smiled when I read your original post because it sounds like something my therapist might blurt out. Maybe not the sexual stuff, because he would find it inappropriate given the nature of our relationship. But maybe things that are in bad taste or that might tell me things about him I might not precisely need to hear.
I do tell him if something bothers me, but I find it a bit more difficult to complain about things that show his trust and comfort with me. And I always figure that I have to make a choice. If I insist that he bring his real self to the session, and not use his professional mask, I have to expect some of that.
I do notice that some therapists tend to deflect the hard stuff with humor, or with discussions of interesting topics. My therapist does it very occasionally. Sometimes because he gives in to his desire to "fix" things, or is upset that I'm upset. Sometimes I think it's because his personal resources are taxed and deflecting is easier for him. There *are* some sessions where I find it genuinely helpful. But I keep an eye on that too, and let him know when I see it.
I can see where it would be a temptation for him. He sees a lot of low functioning patients. He's likely worn down sometimes. Not only are you high functioning, but he can talk in a collegial manner with you. I'm sure it's a huge temptation to bump you into appearing well, and getting the side benefit of an interesting conversation. He might even think he's doing a good thing. If he works with a low functioning population in general, his usual best course of action might be to prop defenses and keep people functioning as best as may be. Not discourage people from their customary defenses to explore the underlying affect.
There are times when you may need one, and times when you might need the other. If you think he's colluding with you, or even encouraging you in deflecting with humor, it may be up to you to call him on it. This isn't a perfect world, and they aren't always right.
The joke may have been inappropriate for you (although it wouldn't have bothered me, so perhaps it's not so shocking for him not to know). But I think the bigger problem might be that he is propping your defenses and deflecting the problems.
>>>Sometimes, recently I have started crying after a session, because some deep nerve was touched. Even though I was pretty chatty during the session, I was sitting there with a lot of bodily tension. And then I LOST it driving home. Sometimes I feel that I use the humor to avoid talking about this scary stuff, but obviously it gets stirred up anyways. I just wish I could express my grief in the session, where it could become part of the discussion.<<<
By all means, tell him that the joke was inappropriate for him to tell you. But you might want to read him the above paragraph too. And ask him if his style with his lower functioning clients might be interfering with his ability to help you express your grief in session.
Just my own two cents based on a therapy that can sometimes have a similar problem.
poster:Dinah
thread:861307
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/861448.html