Posted by Wittgensteinz on October 30, 2008, at 11:40:19
In reply to poor wording, posted by lucie lu on October 30, 2008, at 8:14:08
Lucie,
I'm sorry but I don't understand why you find your other post poorly worded. I don't. Your post was validating - it voiced something I feel. I've told myself until now that I wouldn't do so well with someone being too nice to me - that I wouldn't know how to deal with someone being too kind and sympathetic - that I simply wouldn't believe their concern to be genuine. But maybe that's just my way to feel better about the absence of sympathy and comfort in my interactions with my current T.
I suppose I have to think whether a warmer approach would be more therapeutic. I never got that warmth or sympathy when growing up. I think deep down I am not really deserving of it - that's something reserved for other people but not for me.
But how can I change that aspect of things with my T? I mean, would there be any value in asking him to be more comforting/sympathetic. Last time I did say to him "why can't you be a little softer with me? It's a real pity." - he didn't give an answer but I'll ask again tomorrow.
I think I have a need for that comfort. From the age of 5 my father never touched or hugged me anymore (I should say he never mishandled me in any way before that). My mother did touch me but it was on her terms, forced and unpredictable. When someone physically hurts you, you don't instinctively want them to hold you. It's something I've yearned for ever since - my father did nothing in the face of my mother's words and actions, even if he was standing there watching. Now in a way it feels like a repeat of that - this time my T is sitting there listening and mostly I just get a 'ah-ha' if that, sometimes an interpretation. I've told him in the past that he feels distant like my father. I've said I wished he would hug me and he says that wouldn't help me, which is fair enough - but could he not hold me with his words? When I imagine him outside the therapy room, I imagine him as more caring than he is. After a time away from therapy, for example after returning from holiday, I'm always confronted by how matter-of-fact he is - there's a shift from my internalised/imagined version of him and the real him.
I shouldn't have made this reply about me - it worried me that you criticise yourself and write that you will stop posting. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You write such valuable things on this board. I must admit I too often say or write things in life and then think to myself "hmm, in retrospect I wish I could press a 'DELETE' button and change that".
Please keep posting - I'm certain a lot of people would miss you deeply, me included, if you stopped (but no pressure of course!!).
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:859655
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/859919.html