Posted by Nadezda on October 22, 2008, at 13:36:33
In reply to Update, posted by Morgan79 on October 22, 2008, at 12:31:44
In my opinion, the depth and meaning of a romantic relationship is not more than that of a therapy relationship. These things depend on the people involved and on how their connection develops.
Part of what strikes me as mistaken is the idea that one or the other type of relationship is "more." They're different; they have different constraints and aspirations, but both have limitations and freedom-- and ultimately, either can be incredibly profound, or not--
I guess I"d like very much here to defend the importance and specialness of what happens in therapy, and to say that someone who works in a deep way in therapy has at least as much at stake, potentially, for their lives, as someone who's married to a therapist. Again-- there are different things at stake, and perhaps we have an image of one as being more important, more intense, etc. But it just isn't the way things are. It can be-- but it is by no means necessary.
Maybe the preponderance of people here who believe they're in love with their T. or are in love with their T, distorts our perceptions of the imperatives of therapy, and makes it seem somehow a lesser thing. Yes-- we all fantasize about being part of a T's family-- and imagine, given what we've experienced, that it would be so much warmer, more nurturing, and wonderful-- and the same of a marriage to a T. But given the number of T's who are married who carry on some sort of quasi-romantic courtship of patients-- I'd have to say that the idealized version of marriage to a T might be open to question.
I wish Morgan and her ex-T good fortune with their relationship. I hope it works out for her. But I also note that there's been no mention of what she would be giving up for this relationship. She's in school, pursuing a new career-- and moving away would be just a disruptive of her future as of that of her T-- Yet everything is put in terms of what he would give up. Plus, given the doubts she now has about herself and about pursuing a career that she'd chosen, I'd say she's already suffered significant losses. I'm concerned that this might be a prototype of a relationship where her needs disappear in the shadow of his "sacrifice"-- which would then make her always owing, and always the depriving one-- Where does her sacrifice actually fit in here?
I guess I've found this discussion rather disturbing overall, and while I believe in supporting people here, I also believe there is at this moment, too much emphasis on the wish-fulfillment of acting out these fantasies, as somehow a desirable thing-- rather than committing to the process of therapy, whatever restrictions and boundaries it places on certain aspects of relating.
I'm sorry but I've been feeling very uncomfortable with this whole discussion, which may be my limitation.