Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 5, 2008, at 4:24:17
Well, it's 2:00 AM here. This is probably a weird thing to be doing, but I don't know what else to do right now... I realized that I do not have any friends I would consider close enough to call at 2:00 in the morning, which is very sad in and of itself.
The pregnancy was confirmed to have stopped developing so I have induced miscarriage (using medication from the doctor) in the hopes of passing everything at home like I did last time. It's like a mini-labor. The worst of the pain seems to have stopped around 12:30 and I actually fell asleep. I was woken up just now by some more cramps. I have not passed what I need to and really hope I do because I'm trying to avoid a DnC (surgery). I thought getting up and moving around might help things along... sounds like a post for my infertility forum.
But what is just CRAZY - and I feel super low right now as one can imagine - what is making me CRAZY is that all I have been thinking about through my mini labor pains is my T and how she is not here (and not checking messages until Tuesday) and how attached I am to her and how it just feels like a bad situation. I am running fantasy over fantasy in my head of how I will be "breaking it off" with her when I see her next. Should I write her a letter and make her read it? Should I just say it to her? Should I yell at her for having tricked me into thinking she cares about me and then walk out slamming the door (a behavior that would totally shock her, btw - I try to be the perfect client).
I know you will all say that of course I"m feeling this because she is not here for me right now - doesn't even know that this has happened, that my pregnancy was no longer viable.
But it's not just that. I do NOT want to be so attached to ANYONE. Ever again. I love my partner immensely but I don't feel this attached to her and never have. As a matter of fact, it feels more like the TWO different times in my life when I totally fell in love with a STRAIGHT woman and pined for years in one case and in the more tragic situation (where she actually dated me for awhile) at least a year and then found myself unable to bare the pain.
She has triggered all of that. But not just triggered it. Maybe she would say it's projection - but she had lead me to believe, if even for a matter of weeks, that I am lovable and that she loves me. (She has never said such a thing - I WISH - but just by her actions.) Now, when away from her, it's like I see the truth. I don't want her anymore. She's just doing her job and following some book scenario with me she recently learned in school and probably laughs about me and my "little crush" or something.
WHY would I need to experience this (mostly romantic I think) transference to get better in the rest of my life? How is it helping to re-live this kind of desperation? It's not like she will decide she feels the same. Quite the opposite - I will continue to sit in my feelings all by myself as I have before. And she will just look at me - not even understanding the burden it is to carry to be a lesbian.
I don't need that. I have a decent marriage and a great kid (my partner birthed). I never expected to feel this "in love" again. I have avoided all of that by choosing the life I have now.
I need her too much. I love her too much. I want her too much. I AM TOO MUCH. Here I am dealing with the severe pain - physically and emotionally - of a miscarriage and all I can think about is how she will leave me again. Not just like this trip - a year ago she left on MATERNITY leave for months. Yep - I had to watch her beautiful body grow a healthy baby and then she left to be with her family (of course). I fear she will do that again. She's an intern. She'll probably want to have a second sooner as opposed to later. She may even decide to do something else with her life and leave this practice. (I know she has an unrelated business on the side just from my own Google-sleuthing that she has never told me about.) Of course she tells me nothing about herself - so I can "project" whatever I need to onto her. Or, you can say she just doesn't SHARE herself with me.
And more than physically leaving - I just feel it's all going to leave me hurt in the end. Hurt or shamed or humiliated. Too exposed to survive it. What else could possibly happen?
I know I have crazy hormones happening (or un-happening) right now. But I'm in a bad, bad place.
If you have made it this far, I appreciate it. My partner can't even be with me right now because our daughter keeps waking up when I head to the bathroom or throw up so she has to be sleeping in her room. So I feel terribly alone.
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:855824
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/855824.html