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Re: Bad place, bad place (miscarriage TMI) + LONG » FindingMyDesire

Posted by Nadezda on October 5, 2008, at 11:24:28

In reply to Bad place, bad place (miscarriage TMI) + LONG, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 5, 2008, at 4:24:17

I really do understand where you're coming from, Finding. This sounds like the extreme reactions I had, at the beginning of my therapy, when my therapist went away and I felt abandoned, left behind, and unloved.

It sounds as though you have some deep fears of abandonment and must have experienced some loss that was really wrenching, when you were younger-- whether the absence of indifferent of a parent or some other loss. To cope with that, you need an experienced or very able T, and I hope your T has as the insight and consistency to help you heal the breach.

I'm sure she isn't laughing or taking your pain lightly. Your going through this loss is, I'm sure, intensifying your reaction and raising exaggerated and unrealistic fears. I had those , too, for a long time when my T was gone-- and it was a very annihilating and difficult thing to go through. Others would tell me that my T cared-- but the pain of being abandoned made it difficult to listen to what anyone said. Only when he returned and we were together could I begin to have any hope about the future.

I can assure you that your T does care. It takes time and work, though, to be able to hold into that, to carry it with you when she's not in the room. This kind of attachment is very painful right now-- but it--or something like this-- is what you'll need to overcome the losses that you've had, and develop an ability to hold people in your mind.

I know that right now you wish you'd never felt the attachment and love that you do-- but are there any ways in which you can be less blaming of yourself, and more accepting of your need to be close to someone like her and to feel loved and valued? Maybe just accepting your legitimate need for and deserving of her caring-- would give you a little relief now. Is there any way you could write letters which you show your T on her return, as a way of trying to envision being with her? And also as a way of beginning to work on these feelings with her? You mention that in your post-- and even if the letters are very angry, perhaps you can feel some greater connection.

I'm especially sorry about your miscarriage. Maybe the extremity of your reaction, and the anger at your T's unavailablity is due to the sadness of this loss and the preoccupation of your partner, too. When your T returns and you reconnect, things will be much better. Maybe you need to start being a less than ideal patient-- in order to bring some of this into the therapy. I hope that will be soon.

Nadezda


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poster:Nadezda thread:855824
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/855849.html