Posted by JayMac on October 2, 2008, at 22:09:21
In reply to Re: Do you know where your T....? » JayMac, posted by lucie lu on October 2, 2008, at 17:44:31
Lucie, thank you, thank you for understanding. I understand it intellectually, but emotionally, I want to be SO MUCH closer to her. I'm having a really difficult time allowing myself to be close to her. Just the other night, I broke off a recent relationship, and I found myself yearning for my T. She was actually out of town, but I found myself driving around, late last night, looking for any clue that she might be near. It's weird to explain. It's hard to explain.
I know her city, so I found myself driving all over, thinking about her and wishing I could just be in her presence. I try to hold her inside me when she's gone. I just wish she could pick me up and hold me close. This evokes so much emotion in me. I feel like crying.
This afternoon, I googled her (for literally the 15th time) and I just happened to stumble upon a new address associated with her name. I don't know why I hadn't seen the new address before given that I've plunged into the depths of researching her. When I first googled her, I found old where she used to live last year, and when I mentioned it, she told me that she had since moved.
It's weird cuz I know a whole lot more about her than she realizes: her age, religion, her son's name, political views. I don't know. I do feel a whole lot of shame that I know this information but she doesn't know that I know. I'm just looking for some way to get close to her. I understand it, but I don't.I know all the psychological terms, I know the psychoanalytic framework. I've read a whole lot about it all. I have a sincere interest in these subjects, but I also want to understand her more by understanding her beliefs/values/theories better. She is a psychoanalyst, by the way, you got that right.
Anyhow.....thanks again for your response. You are/were very helpful and comforting. It's given me more courage to speak to her. I see her tomorrow morning, by the way. I'm her first appointment.
poster:JayMac
thread:855293
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/855360.html