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Re: Do you know where your T....? » Dinah

Posted by JayMac on October 6, 2008, at 13:10:05

In reply to Re: Do you know where your T....?, posted by Dinah on October 6, 2008, at 8:57:19

Dinah, thank you for your response. =)

I completely understand your point of view. I told my T so that we could talk about it. In her view, and it's beginning to be my view as well: What is not talked about gets acted out. She's mentioned that in reference to some other transference I was experiencing. But it applies here as well. I'm sure I may, at some point, drive by. I've driven to her office at 1am just to feel close to her. I don't think she minds me driving by, as long as I don't knock on her front door. Like I said before in this post, and like I told her, there is a 99.9% chance I will NOT drive by. I don't think she's worried that I will drive by.

I have her personal cell phone number, but I haven't used it. I only call her voicemail and email her. She has said I can call her on her cell if I want to talk to her right away, but, although I have felt the need, I haven't acted on it impulsively. I've called her voicemail and emailed her compulsively, but I know that I have control of the boundaries I cross. Even so, I'm not interested in crossing her boundaries.

All of this is related to my forming a connection/attachment wtih her. The more and more we talk about these things, these very difficult subjects, the more I allow myself to feel safe and feel close(r) to her. What's great is that 90% of the time, she is available when I need her. She's "good enough." And often times, she's more than good enough, not perfect, because I don't want that, but I can feel that she cares. I know I can call or email whenever I would like. I know that even if she doesn't respond (sometimes she doesn't respond unless I ask her to or its obvious that I need her to) that she does get my emails and messages. I used to feel like she wasn't "hearing me cry," sort of speak. She re-assured me that 1. she gets my messages, 2. she gets my emails, and 3. she looks forward to our time together.

Late, late Saturday night I called and left a voicemail explaining that I really needed her. I was feeling extremely emotional at the time, scared, confused, anxious, yet excited. I've gotten better, but I have trouble with affect regulation (controlling my emotions). So, whenerver I experience most any emotion, positive or negative, I don't know what to do. I used to eat to self-regulate. Now I do other things to care for myself, including calling her voicemail. I was almost in tears on her voicemail. She called back Sunday morning and offered for me to call her back so we could talk about it. But I didn't feel the need any longer to call and speak with her.

I know that she feels my longing, I know that she hears my cry. She's there, I'm here. Most importnatly, together we share our time and together we share our love.


Peace! =)

(I didn't mean to go on a diatribe, just thought I would explain some more for everyone.)


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