Posted by Wittgensteinz on August 18, 2008, at 9:04:48
I haven't posted here for a long while. Just an update, I started therapy nearly a year and a half ago with a psychoanalyst. Before coming into therapy, I was very depressed and I ended up taking an overdose - that crisis led me to getting some help. When starting therapy, T made it clear that a condition of our working together was my not making any further suicide attempts or "anything like that", to which I agreed.
In myself I see a lot of improvement since starting therapy with him. I'm intensely attached to him and we have a very good relationship.
The week before last, a week after he returned from his summer holiday, I was going down hill, racing thoughts, very depressed. Then my partner went away on holiday - I really didn't want him to go and be alone but I had to stay at home to care for the dogs (too short notice to board them) and he felt he needed a break because his father died a short time ago and he's been very stressed.
So he was away and I was alone with my thoughts and I got worse and worse. I saw my T for two sessions and did say I felt suicidal but perhaps didn't make it clear enough how things were going. Then last Wednesday evening I took a large overdose. An hour or so later I had the sense to call for help and was taken to hospital by ambulance. I don't really remember much of it - just coming round the next afternoon in hospital with drips in each arm. During the night, I had no control over my body at all, I even wet myself, that much I remember - pretty embarrassing. When I woke up, it was really distressing - at first I didn't know where I was or remember what I'd done, it felt like a bad dream (and lately I've had horrible nightmares most nights). The next thing, a friend of mine is by my bed and tells me that my T is on his way to visit me (she brought me spare clothes, fortunately, as by this point, on my lower half, I was only wearing a pair of strange semi-see-through hospital underwear). Obviously, it was a caring thing for T to come, but I didn't want him to see me in such a mess. I felt so ashamed.
So he arrived and looked so sad and hurt. He looked awkward and out of place in the ward, asked what was in the drips (I didn't know) - before now, I've always seen him in his home office. I know some time ago, that if I would do something like this again, he said it would be devastating for me but would hurt him deeply too. The thing is, in the moment I acted on my feelings, all I could think of was making the pain go away. We talked some and I said I was sorry and asked him what now. First he said he didn't know - that I'd broken the rule, that he didn't know if he could work under this pressure/responsibility. I don't remember much else of the visit, but those words ring through my head.
Anyway, on the Friday I saw him again, for an appointment, and he made it clear he would only continue working with me if I would not do this again - he said he wanted to work with me but only if I promised this. I want to continue, he's helped me a lot - just it seems so ungrateful what I've done, I feel so bad about it, and I don't want him to feel pressured to work with me. It was his birthday this weekend too - not that relevant but makes me feel even more guilty. I see him again tomorrow and am feeling very anxious - I'm scared I've ruined the relationship - the trust. How can I look him in the face again? I feel bad enough anyway, but this feeling is so heavy to bear. I don't want him to think his hard work has been for nothing, that he hasn't helped me. I just feel I've damaged things between us.
I needed to share this. I hope no-one minds.
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:846981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080810/msgs/846981.html