Posted by FindingMyDesire on July 19, 2008, at 2:28:59
Warning: Long, rambling post from a newbie:
I have been seeing my therapist for almost two years. It has been so incredibly wonderful. I have a history with a few other good therapists. (I guess I'm supposed to write therapist as 'T' *grin*) I am someone who can get a lot out of therapy.
My Ts in the past have represented more parental figures for me (sometimes mom and sometimes dad). I'm a lesbian and have really only seen lesbian therapists previously. My current T is basically straight. I didn't really know that for some time (although I suspected that she was) - and when I found out I was already attached and she is really, really good so I decide to stay. It's turning out to be very useful I think, but also very difficult.
I'm seeking therapy mostly for help around issues in my eight year relationship - especially around the sex life I don't really have with my partner - who I deeply love. What I have learned is that I really need to work on my own desire first - just my own relationship to my sexuality and what that means for myself (separate from anyone else, my internal voices, and all of the rules of my world). It's hard work.
My T is extremely attractive and I'm attracted to her. I know that's common, but it's triggering all my shame. So, great - good stuff to work with, right? She has an amazing ability to stay in the room, stay connected to me, and also stay separate from me. She holds excellent boundaries. I totally trust her. So, that's all good.
I guess what I want to talk about is - how to talk about sex to your T when it feels like things you need to talk about resemble feelings you are having in relation to them? (If that makes sense.) I guess that's some kind of romantic transference I'm having. I don't think I've really had that before.
I have really been unable to share too much about the things I desire or fantasize about this whole time with her. As far as I understand it, she is trying to help me learn about myself - and get connected to my own desire, and maybe let go of some of the shame I carry with it.
[I'll just add here that I would never, ever worry about her appropriateness with me. She's very super clean with boundaries and communicating and such - so I'm not having issues about her. I'm having issues about me.]
Despite my incredible attraction and attachment to her, I have never been able to fantasize about her. (I have a very, very active fantasy life.) I just can't. I feel so bad at just the thought of it. Somehow she is protected in my mind from what I guess I feel is wrong to even think! And that has been just fine with me. It's not like I have felt like I needed to. As a matter of fact, it was easier when I couldn't...
In the last several weeks I have been sharing just a little bit more with her - about my sexuality, my fantasies in general, things I want with my partner, stories from my past sexual exploits, etc.
Then, last week I had a dream. It changed everything. It was incredibly detailed - lots of symbolism about my desires, transformation, overcoming my shame, and great sex.
One part of my dream was about my T's caring support of me and included just a brief moment of sexual content where she "forces" me to face my shame and enter a building which represents my desire in the dream. She does not come in with me, but the moment just before then is very erotic for me in the dream.
The whole dream has changed my relationship to myself - I swear. I wrote the whole thing down. Then I wrote and wrote about it for days afterwards so that I could share it with her - if I dared.
Somehow the dream made me feel strong and in fact I did share it with her. We had a great conversation in which I told her many things about me (some I have never told anyone) - things that I thought if I shared I would simply just die. (You know, in the feeling way of wanting to disappear entirely due to the unbearable shame, anxiety, and/or embarrassment.)
She was so GREAT. With her words and genuine support of me, she created a safe place for me to survive telling her about this meaningful dream.
But, I do have to admit that I left feeling a bit aroused. I'm sure that has happened to me before but I wouldn't have noticed under all of the anxiety or other ways I avoid vulnerability.
And since that session I have been thinking (and writing) non stop about sexual fantasies involving her "forcing" me to express my desire out loud to her. Because I'm such a rule follower even in my fantasies - we aren't actually having any kind of actual sex in the stories. She is still my therapist with certain boundaries and such, BUT I create a lot of verbal boundary crossing and titillation, flirting, and have her making me admit my desire for her. It's pretty hot stuff for me. And totally makes sense considering the dream and my personal struggle with desire.
I have always had fantasies about straight girls either admitting that, yes, the want me - or making me admit that, yes, I want them. Plus, these fantasies basically mirror my dream and are a sexualized version of her supporting my growth in this area. I get all of that - kind of. But, the shame is creeping up and starting to suffocate me as I face going back there and seeing her in person in a few days. I feel like she will know this change has occurred for me. I feel like she will read me like a book.
I don't know whether I should/can bring this up. Does it even matter? I mean, in some ways it is so directly related to what I'm going through internally and in my therapy... but I'm SO AFRAID of saying too much, being too much, being inappropriate, embarrassing myself to the brink of that "death" feeling, making her feel uncomfortable, making her feel like she needs to remind me of the professional boundaries (which I TOTALLY understand already). Any of this would ultimately leave me feeling rejected. And do I even need to tell her? I don't want her to be self-conscious or different around me because of it.
I mean, she already knows I find her attractive. I know she doesn't have any issues with that. She's not going to freak out or anything. I don't mean that. It's just that the fears I'm having - would it be helpful to push through them and tell her this new internal development or does it seem like I would just be fishing for some actual stimulating conversation about this? I don't want to get caught going there - even if unconsciously. How humiliating.
This is the longest post! I'm not really sure what I'm asking. I guess I just wanted to talk to others who might understand some of these feelings. Most of my friends are baffled by the intensity of my attachment to my T. My partner is jealous of it. I just want to talk to someone who understands - besides just my T.
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:840685
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/840685.html