Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2008, at 12:59:05
In reply to Re: I can't do it again. I just can't. And I won't » Dinah, posted by raisinb on May 6, 2008, at 12:47:00
Yes, that's it exactly.
He says that he knew he couldn't keep anything from me. But the last few sessions, I was so upset in session that it didn't start to niggle until I left. But once it did, I understood what was going on.
The bad/good thing is that he does understand how I feel. He understands and he empathizes, and he'd like to give me what I need. He even refuses to say that he's currently giving me all I'm entitled to. That a perfect therapist is all I have a right to expect. He says I have a right to expect him to be engaged. He just doesn't know if he can do it.
I don't know if anything can hurt worse than going there and having him not be present. At constantly reaching out to hit that wall. I would never leave him, but I think I am going to have to talk to him next time and tell him that no matter how much I care about him, I'm just going to have to take a break for a while. Until I can either bear the shell of his real self or until he can be real.
I'd rather have real and flawed and even grumpy and crabby and angry than that smiling expectant face. I'd rather he told me to shut up about my piddling little problems than to have him politely inquire into them.
As for his leaving.... He usually isn't averse to telling me briefly what's going on to keep him from being at his best. The fact that he's not makes me think it's something really private, like marital issues. And marital issues are the thing that will most likely cause him to leave the area, since he's long said his wife is what keeps him here because she doesn't want to leave. Yeah, I guess at this point it's a long shot. But it does influence my decision of how much of myself I'm willing to invest in another trough of our relationship.
poster:Dinah
thread:827491
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080423/msgs/827507.html