Posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 12:02:44
**OK.
This I wrote.
ROFL. This is a new form of SI.
HA.
So there, I kinda missed seeing you too also on Tues.
UGH. YUK.
Now the ultimate torture.
I’ll fax it. Ha.
Then it’ll sit there, and I’ll know its sitting there until you get back.
Ha.
Twist on stuff eh?
Ya know what?
I wanna get high.
High as the sky.
Fly.
And for awhile
Not be here.
Be up in the clouds, where its quiet.
And the noise in my head and the worm in my gut
Will go away
For awhile.
It used to come back, the worm, and chew dble time when I was drinking….
Sucked.
No xanax then. I used to just curl up and wait it out. Torment. What an appropriate word.
I don’t have SII(Self Injury Ideation) so much now. Now I just want to get altered by drugs or alcohol.
Get away from my own self.
Seems I ought to be able to just BE another self, but I guess not. I am just me and that’s good.
Normal.
Ha.
Only SII I have at the moment is re: them taking care of my injury and fixing me up. That’s nice. Makes me feel cared for. Only prob is, is that in reality, I dissoc to SI, and then don’t actually remember much…so guess that’s not worth much. Waste of time. Ha, I using my brain.So w/T, like, we done right?
Nothing more to do right?
Is this a consensus of opinion?
Cuz I don’t think there’s any more I can do or say.
Despite all the weird emotion stuff, I not do bad SI no more.
Get lotsa SII at times, but don’t act on it.
Wanto to run, but can’t cuza kids. So I covered.
Only disturbing thing is this wanting to drink.
But reckon that’s a demon I just goto wrassel alone, noone else can do it for me. I either win or lose. Just hope I don’t hurt the kids is all…
I spose I proly wasn’t supposed to have been born or something.
Why? Cuz its just hard. Living can be so hard. Day to day, minute to minute, haunted, hunted, confused, fighting. Inside is a putrid cesspool of sick emotions, thots.
I know its not all the time this bad. Just sometimes. Like now.
But even when things is good, sometimes I get a shot of the bad, and that sucks.
Its like I goto be perpetually prepared for an ugly slam, cuz I just never know where it might come from.
That’s the hunted.
Haunted is the not knowing what I supposed to know. And its all about nothing, but it haunts me anyways. Haunted by NOTHING. Like some kinda big joke. Haunted by not knowing. There’s something sad bout that. But if they won’t tell me, I can’t know. Its all just a big blank. And that in of itself is disturbing. Hate it.
Confused. Confused by the multitude of thots that crash and bash in my head, sometimes its just a cacophony and I can make little, or NO sense of it. It clutters my brain, makes it hard to think at all, and it tires and depresses me after a time. I can’t get stuff done. I get paralysed.
Fighting, fighting the bad thots, so many bad thots against my own self, bad thots about the world, bout danger and sick things, worry. Disgust that I notice ‘stuff’ that proly others don’t notice, but I do and worry that others might get triggered by these things I see and hurt a loved one. And WHY sick dog that I am, do I even notice???? Why does it smack me with fear and worry? I am to the point where I don’t think there’s nothing in my history that’s bad, or I’d remember, I got a bad memory, but I‘d remember bad stuff. So that just makes ME gross and disgusting that I worry bout this stuff. Sick dog am I. No excuses.
And sex. What of that? I honestly have never thot of it as except mating really. Or something that ends up hurting people one way or another. Getting yer rocks off. Oh yeah, I’ve had the hots B4 sure, but it was more about consuming the other person involved than about connecting or something. Even at that, even though mebbe some of me was getting off some, there was a part that just wanted to get it over with asap. Pleasure and horror battling in the field. Trying so hard to do the right thing, to be normal, while at the same time trying to focus AT ALL over the screaming in my head. I feel pretty darn bad for hubby, cuz it would seem its some kinda big deal for some? I don’t think its super huge for him, but there’s times I think…
Its like a big cosmic joke that sex is such a big deal. Its so GROSS when you get down to it really. It involves the areas for WASTE disposal, how gross is that? What does that tell ya? And just yucky sick stuff that comes out, ugh. And its not like its nice, it stinks, its horribly salty, and sticky, and hot and GROSS. And physically, there’s force, invasion, how can that be a good thing? So that’s why I just given up, cuz I feel like a ho if I try and get it on. Cuz its all a fake lie. I oftentimes gets scared and sick and frozen, and its just so much work to try and get past that, to the point I can at least pretend its OK. If I can dissoc enuf to let it go on, then sometimes it takes days to undissoc, it messes me bad sometimes. Its not always been like that I don‘t think?, but esp once I had kids. I not sure specifically how it was B4 kids, I don’t remember for sure, but the going not quite all the way was ok. Its when I go all the way that the trouble starts. Though now just bout anything causes trouble now, cuz I know whats coming. Invasion.
I guess I wonder, does it matter? Is there anything wrong with just NOT doing it? Am I being excessively cruel and selfish?
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Its really bout my skin. Its on my skin.
The grossness.
And the eyes. Dead eyes.
Nausea.
Terror.
So I goto accept that kid feels this. Mebbe it was a hospital thing, but don’t matter, not really. Just got to accept that that kid was scared bad. That she felt sick and revolted. That she somehow feels tainted by badness. So anyhow, I guess we got to SOMEhow communicate to that kid, in a way she can understand, that she IS safe now. That we believe her, bout what she feels, but all that bad stuff she thinks bout herself is mostly lies. That she is OF us, and we ok, so she is too. Mebbe we somehow have to let her, God, this is SO against our ways…but allow her to connect w/someone, even if it makes us feel like complete and utter idiots. Even if protection gets mad, we just have to go on and let her. Even if we can feel we going away, we STILL got to let her. And even if she wants to have disallowed emotions for herownself, we STILL goto let her.
Pretty tall order.
I don’t honestly know that we can do that…
But if we could…
Mebbe she wouldn’t feel so bad no more…
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So I been thinking and thinking. What is it I want/need/useful etc in T? I hadn’t never really given it a whole lot of analytical thot particularly, cuz I dunno much bout T in general, but I am learning fast. Guess I was just being lazy and expecting T to figger it all for me. So another thot I had is reflecting. I was thinking as how I gave T my writings and WHY? And I figgered its cuz I wanted her to know who I was, cuz I couldn’t tell her, cuz I DON”T KNOW. That’s the thing of it. I write and write, and read my writings ad nauseum. Literally over and over and over, trying to understand. I think its all a part of me trying to figger out who I am. See, most people have their memories of their FOO etc. I think it has a bearing on their sense of self, this history. I do not have this. So I think that’s goto do with me not knowing who I am. Its just a big empty space. So I guess w/T, I would like LOTS of reflecting as to how I come across, good and bad. Cuz I can’t seem to figger it. Dunno if I ever can even w/reflecting, I dunno. Confusing.
And I noticed upon reading that fax that there seemed to be a lot bout repetition. That stuff just does not easily sink in. Its like I goto chew it and chew it, and eventually, I can swallow it. I wonder if I had a more serious head injury when I fell down the stairs that time…
So its hard to be who you are, be yourself, when you don’t even know what that is…
Guess its made all the more difficult w/my ego states messing w/me too…
(((((((((((((((((((((((((
Its sorta like SI was before, the inevitability. Being in an altered state appeals. Drunk. I goto run, but I need to think on this thot too. Mebbe do one of the question and answer things.
**OK WHY do you wanto drink?
-Cuz I feel lost.
**And so what would drink do?
-I dunno, just mebbe make me feel……I dunno really, but different, I just want to feel different, I don’t feel right somehow.
**It will make you feel right?
I just was thinking mebbe this is coming from a certain part of me. I think there is a part of me that’s rather self destructive. (if T ever reads this she gonna laugh).
**Well really. She should laugh. You spent a large part of your life trying to self destruct. Any ideas why this is so?
-Well, first thot that comes to mind is that mebbe I trying to kill a bad part of me. Or mebbe the part of me that hurts so bad, mebbe it drives the self destruct. Or mebbe I just think I too gross to live? Or mebbe I just too lazy, so I just wanto give up? Or mebbe its punish, cuz I bad? Mebbe some of all.
**Does any one really ring more w/you?
-I think I just running, running from the ‘bad’. And hilariously enuf, I dunno even what it IS??? Spent my whole life running and self destructing over a big NOTHING. Mebbe I just too ridiculous to live…
-Whoah, brain flash, re: drinking, just had a thot, mebbe its cuz w/T I have buried some of the bad parts of me, and they don’t like that, and so they want me to drink, so they can be around more, and hurt me more, cuz I been getting it way too easy…I should hurt.
**Well that seems another topic for another day. Another one was we never did persue why kid is scared…Well computer gonna die. Off to bed w/us.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
After reading this fax? So you come to your session, and what happens?
For me it would proly run like this:*First she would ask me how my week has been, and is there anything in particular do I want to talk about.
(I'm so nervous that I dunno what to say really)
*then she'll say this or that, then she tries to 'set an agenda'.She always asks me but I don't usu know what to say. Sometimes I'll come up w/something and blurt it out. Sometimes she has stuff she wants to talk bout to me, and usu one of the points is to go thru fax.
*So upon reading fax(she will usu read it aloud, I always get too nervous to read it myself aloud) she would proly say something about how it was OK that I missed her and that she missed me too. All the time she tries to get me to say stuff by asking questions here and there. I don't talk much. I must be an exhausting client :-(
*she might ask if I SI this week. She might or might not beleive me. If she sees an obvo injury thats visible, she often will ask about it.
*she might ask me bout what the ikid said, but at this point I would dissoc out and protection would likely kick in and T tends to back off when I show distress. So when I distressed, bless T's heart, T tries to find a tack that seems useful to talk about,where she can do the 'teaching/illuminating/CBT type stuff'
So that lets me off the hook of communicating whats going on, cuz I CAN'T at that point, but I wonder if I could somehow given the right opportunity, though what that might be I DO NOT know. And by then I getting tired, zoned, frustrated, and its getting to be closer to the end of the session and so really neither one of us wants to do anything but try and brin g me back from wherever it is I go.
*and that would be it, there would be no time to look at anything else in the fax. And next week there will be a new fax, with new stuff, and old fax is forgotten.
Sigh........................
This is a typical example of a session for me. We have been doing them outside in the nice weather which is really nice cuz I don't feel so trapped, and there's stuff to look at and distract me.
So I dunno how T sees sessions? or what her fears might be? or what she thinks of me REALLY (I ask but she invariably just says nice things.....)
I tell her to push me, and she sorta does, she'll call me out when I quickly say 'I dunno', she'll say 'I think you DO know...', that sorta thing, but she don't do it much...
I end up stuck in confusion, and she ends up talking away to try and make me feel better or to bring me back.
So we seem stuck in this cycle....and its very frustrating, proly for her too. She is very eithical and careful, and won't continue T if she feels its doing no good. So we do look at what I have accomplished now and then, and she will
directly ask now and trhen if I think I am getting anything from T.I don't think she will ever 'dump' me, unless I did something pretty darn bad, cuz she knows thats a big bad thing to me. So I think she is trying to let me break free, rather than her doing it. She is SO nice.
So I don't really know how we could do things differently? If I would ever be able to have kid speak. You babblers who have allowed yourself to attach and be needy and to ask for what you need etc, you guys have my utmost admiration.
So this is LONG, but I would love to hear how others T's would approach a session, and I am always open to hear stuff.And I thot this could be possibly helpful to others. So if you have any questions, just ask, s'ok.
Thanks for any input.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:771625
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/771625.html