Posted by LadyBug on June 13, 2007, at 11:55:41
Somedays are just plain hard, other's are hard but tolerable. Today is one of the harder days.
I took my 16 year old daughter to see her APRN for a medication check appointment. We decided to up her dose by 25 mg. She's on a starting dose anyway so going up is still low. This is the first time she's seen this lady, so we had to go over some of the stuff she's dealing with in her young life. A pending divorce for her mom and dad, yup that'd be me. Problems with her boyfriend etc. Pretty serious stuff to deal with for anyone, especially kids. I felt so bad listening to her. I had to hold back the tears as we talked to this lady. My body feeling up with anxiety, my heart being torn in a milllions pieces. The parts of her life that I've made worse. The memories of me that she has. I've been strugling for 10 years with anxiety and depression while trying to survive in a rollercoaster marriage. The marriage isn't surviving and someday's I don't think I am either. My daughter is in Therapy as well as on mediacation, that's been good for her. She's seeing a male T and in a way, he has been a father figure to her, she needs that in her life.
When we left, my daughter said, "I don't like her any more than than the other lady Dr. I just have issues with female's". THAT INCLUDES ME, I'm a female and I have to be a blame in her issues and why she needs to be put on medication for anxiety and depression. Her Dad, my spouse, is a piece of work too.
I had to come to work after the appointment. I'm so down and my stomach is ready to fall out!!! It hurts me to see either of my girls hurting. I feel like the worst person in the world as I see the struggles that I've caused them. I'm in tears at the moment. I want to love her enough to heal her broken self. I want to make things alright for all of us.On top of this, I got an e-mail from my sister this morning telling me that my aging parents are so sad and depressed and would I go see them this weekend for father's day. It would cheer them up etc. She's got the world by the tail. My life is falling to sh**. She has a good husband, lots and lots of money, she ownes 2 brand new home's in 2 different locations. She drives a new Mercedes, and a Yukon, paid for with cash, her husband makes good money and is semi retired in his 50's. She's NEVER in her life HAD to work! She travels like no one I know. She's been so many places so far this year. I never even get out of town. I don't mean to make this sound like I don't love her, I do! She's so kind, loving, and gernerous to me and my kids. She's done so much for me and I know she'd do anythng to help werever she can.
Then there's my poor excuse of a life. I can't even hardly survive financially, my husband is a drug addict, we've lost everything over the years, I could go on foever with all the sad things I've had to go with.
I hate my life most the time, I try to pretend I'm happy, sometimes it works just enough to keep me from crying all the time.I've been seeing my T 2 times a week for the past few weeks, I see her tomorrow, then 2 times next week and then I won't see her until July 26th. She's leaving the country, so getting in touch with her will be imposible. She know's of all that's going on in my life, she thinks I'm handling it ok. Sometimes I am, other times, I fall apart. Like today.
I understand we all have our bad days, but how can it turn into a bad life???????? Where did I go wrong.My parents live alittle less than 2 hours away. Otherwise, I'd see them more often. I work full time, my sister doesn't work. But she asked me to go see them, she won't be in town this weekend? Why is it my job to cheer them up when I'm the one out of five sibling's that's suffering my own pain and sorrow? I guess that's the way it goes in my life.
My life is in turmoil. I have nothing and it's looking like I will have even less when I move out of my home as I try to escape the painful marrigae I'm in. My job's just average. Better than some, but not enough to survive on my own and take care of my daughters.
I'm so down, I hate to even compain, because I know many of us are.I guess I needed to vent and I'm sorry it's so long.
Sad, LadyBug ;o(
poster:LadyBug
thread:762923
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/762923.html