Posted by wishingstar on May 2, 2007, at 19:32:03
In reply to Re: How do you know?, posted by Honore on May 1, 2007, at 18:40:12
Thanks everyone for the responses about ending therapy.
As much as I loved Ginny in the beginning, I'm starting to wonder if its not time for me to move on. Therapy has begun to feel like a complete waste of my time (and money). Basically the only thing I'm getting out of it right now is some attention. The sessions feel like theyre being spent with me just explaining to her what I've figured out about myself or telling about things that have happened so that she understands it.. but that isnt of any use to me. Of course I know there has to be some of that, but we never get to a place where I'm exploring new ideas/connections or talking deeply about feelings or anything like that. I'm glad she gets it and sees how its all playing out, but I'm not going to pay to tell someone what I already know.
I saw her this Tues. I told her that I'd taken a mini-OD on Fri (it wasnt really an OD at all - only 2 lithium - but I'd started taking them with the intent of taking the whole bottle). We ended up talking the entire session though about my relationship with this new guy I'm dating and whether he's good for me. I'd just had a very interesting cnversation with some coworkers before I saw her that made me think of it differently and so I basically explained my thoughts on that for most of the time. I just want to scream... who cares about my relationship with this guy if I dont make it to next week! Dont you hear me? Dont you hear how bad I'm feeling? Who cares if I'm trying to save him or not. It's just not important right now.
I've talked to her before about how I feel like shes not hearing me, but it doesnt seem to have any effect. Caraher even talked to her on the phone the other day and explained to her what he thinks I need (validation, etc) but nothing changed. Shes stopped asking me if I have any notes for her (I used to write things down and she agreed to ask me every session if I had) and hasnt asked once how I'm feeling in the room, although she promised to do that from time to time after the big issue with changing the number of sessions.
I feel on some level like we've become too friendly. Like she likes me and likes to talk with me about insights etc etc and somewhere in that loses the fact that I'm hurting so bad. I tell her over and over that I know I look okay but I'm not.. but she doenst hear it. I just want some validation.
I feel like I'm hitting the same wall I hit with Anne, my evil T from last year who dropped me while I was in the hospital. The problem is I dont think it's necessairly the Ts fault. I think it's me. So switching wont make a difference. The person who referred me to her (another clinician) said shes great at getting to the feelings. Well, what happened? Why are we stuck here then?
It just feels like I'm wasting my time. If anything, I leave feeling worse because it feels so silly.. talking about my relationship when I cant even promise to be safe. She believes that we cant talk about the deeper issues until I'm more stable... but I dont know. I dont think I'm going to get much more stable until I stop believing I'm totally worthless and etc etc etc. I once gave her a list of what I think those "big issues" that keep this going are. We never addressed most of them.
I'm starting to feel like I want to hurt myself to get her attention.. to get her to hear me. I felt the same way (and actually did it on occasion) with Anne. I expressed that feeling to Ginny in a long note about lots of things once but she never addressed it.
So now what? It feels like it's time to leave. But at the same time, am I just running from the issue? I dont know. I dont know.
poster:wishingstar
thread:754990
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/755325.html