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Re: Lots of stuff coming up » pegasus

Posted by Daisym on April 24, 2007, at 19:29:19

In reply to Lots of stuff coming up, posted by pegasus on April 22, 2007, at 22:22:09

****Today I've been practicing asking him about what was unique in our relationship that was valuable. These are the things that come up when I go there:

- It's not ok to ask for that kind of info. It's like fishing for compliments, which is really bad.
>>>>I think it is more like looking for reassurance and there is nothing bad in that. Besides, therapy isn't a "polite" relationship. You ask questions you'd NEVER ask anywhere else. And you think about why you want to ask the questions, which is what you are doing now.

- It's not safe to ask it. It's too vulnerable. Easy to end up being laughed at, or ridiculed.
>>>>This sounds like a wounded voice, has this happened to you before? Is this your experience with him, or someone else? If it isn't with him, what makes you think he would react this way now?

- It's humiliating to ask this thing that everyone wants to ask: Am I special? Tell me how?
>>>>Let's clarify this. Is it humiliating to ask, as in, you should just know if you are or you aren't? Or, is it humiliating to want to be special? And not only that, but to want him to prove that you are special by giving you the reasons? It has been something I struggled with over and over again. What does it mean if I am special to my therapist? Why is it so important? We've talked about this a lot. He tells me, "of course you want to be special to me. Who wouldn't? It feels good to be special." He even told me that when he was in therapy, he wanted to be special to his therapist too. When I asked how he got over wanting this, he said he didn't but it wasn't as much an issue for him. He accepted that he was special better than I do and he accepted that it was OK to want that. Oh, and he did actually tell me that "of course" I *am* special to him. And he said it with this wondering tone, kind of like, "how could you not know this?" :)

--I feel really young when I ask.
>>>>>Seems to me that the younger part of you, the part that was/is probably painfully, deeply attached, comes up here. It *is* OK to regress around this - it was traumatic and painful. Is it too hard to let this part get what she needs? I suspect this isn't the first time your (ex)-therapist has dealt with young feelings. Therapy, by design, calls them forth.

- I really don't know what he will answer. And I really want to know. It feels very important.
>>>>This is an important risk. And because it is so very important to you, it is one worth taking. No, you don't know what he is going to say. But if he was going to say, "go away," don't you think he would have refused the phone calls? Instead, he clearly sees how important this is for you to work through. So let yourself ask these questions and at the same time, try and figure out why it is so important.

It does sound really hard. And really important. I'm glad you feel our support. Thank you for sharing all of this.
Hugs,
Daisy

 

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poster:Daisym thread:751475
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