Posted by 10derHeart on April 6, 2007, at 13:13:05
In reply to 10derheart..., posted by littleone on April 4, 2007, at 16:16:01
> Hi Tender
Hi littleone, it's always so great when you pop in! I am totally honored you thought of me.
> It was so nice to see that you posted here a little while ago.okay....now I feel embarrassed. But I mean in a good way - a makes-me-think-about-silly-tapes-that *try* to-run-in-my-head way. Part of me says, 'why it is nice? I mean, why would anyone care if they read posts by me or not? I have no significance.'
Then, other side argues back, 'well, you feel just like that about others here, so why not believe the same about yourself, too? It's the same thing - in reverse!'
And so the argument goes, but I'll tell you, that first voice is getting weaker and less convincing these days. And posts like yours here are a HUGE help to allow that to happen. Reinforcement. Didn't know you were part of my therapy....did you? Or....did you? hmmmmm.....;-)
>Have you gone back into hiding now?
Nah, not on purpose, really. I just have a lot on my plate IRL right now. Work and school and a new granddaughter to babysit some days (yeah!) And I am quite the procrastinator, so I try NOT to post as it's just an excuse not to do my necessary schoolwork.
>I would love to hear about what you’re working on in therapy at the moment if you were up to sharing.
Again, that is so cool. Well, my T. was gone for vacation, and it wasn't so bad. He left me that voicemail I posted about and I replayed it a lot. I've seen him 2X since he came back and all that was fine. We are still connected and it feels the same.
But yesterday he had some minor surgery, which he *says* will not keep him out of work for my sessions next week. His dr. said only a few days of recovery, so I won't miss any sessions, but....it's still stressful. (I start imagining the worst and have to do stern CBT on myself!) We had good talks about how I hate that the dr. has to "hurt him to help him," and I want to protect him, sort of like you would a child, from ALL forms of pain. That always gets really intense but he is great about it. Makes me feel totally fine abut saying it, and accepts those feelings so gracefully. He has a perfectly calm, convincing way of reminding me, "Your feelings don't and won't hurt me. Any of them, no matter what. They're important and I want to know about them."
Anyway, once I see he's really back and ok-enough next time and seems himself (he'll be uncomfortable and on some pain meds, but still able to work - that's the plan) *maybe* we'll talk about what we're *supposed* to be talking about. He lets me decide that, that's his way, which is fine, as I do know what's deep down causing pain and holding me back in life.
Something like....{deep breath} things around loathing my physical self (weight issues) body image stuff, how bad I really feel in that way and no one knows, where that comes from, and can we change that - even in tiny, baby steps. And to go further...well, how that's directly connected to my grief and sadness of having no sig other in my life for years, and the terror of wondering if I ever will, and the loneliness I try to avoid feeling and rarely acknowledge, and and....never being touched affectionately and so on by anyone for so long......(did you read Daisy's thread about touch on Social - I posted over there. it's ---wow---just wow---)
That kind of deep, deep stuff. Hard to even contemplate going there - makes me feel so vulnerable. Been circling around toward these things for years and now am there, but....it's scary even with this great of a T.
wow - guess I really *did* want to tell someone what I need to be talking about in T. Thanks for giving me permission :-)
>Just wanted to say hi and let you know that I’m listening.
That's a pretty wonderful thing for me to know. I'm always listening for you and to you, also.
Even when you don't post for a while, it's nice to imagine you reading.... :-)
poster:10derHeart
thread:746947
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/747544.html