Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 30, 2007, at 4:20:30
In reply to Re: My T and I discussing hospitalization » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Daisym on March 30, 2007, at 1:36:00
t asked me last night if i wanted to go to hosp. i lied and said no. but i did. i'd be there right now if i had said yes.
i moved my computer and my overnight bag into my guest bedroom. it's empty. nothing unsafe in here. except my imagination.
but the rest of my place has all kinds of dangerous things. and i am scared to leave. i just want out. i wrote out a list of my feelings and things that give me comfort and the comforting things all involve self-harm and gore.
i feel incredibly disconnected from who i used to be. if i used to be her. i don't know who i am anymore. i used to have a dream/s and now it's not there anymore. evaporated.
this is the 6th night in a row that I have woken up before 4 am. but I'm not exhausted. if i try and take a nap in the afternoon the demons come if i let my mind rest they are there waiting for me. i am scared of what they are saying. everything feels so unreal. i don't feel "depressed". I don't feel ... anything. terror sometimes. or panic.
there's a big blank in my mind where the future should be. impenetrable. if i try to see what the future holds for me i'm terrified. the present isn't so pretty and the past is horrifying. there is no place safe when the inside of my mind is bent on hurting myself. I'm very creative and resourceful, and that's what's going on- my creative, resourceful subconscious has exhausted the positive ways of feeling better and is now ready to start exploring the negative ways.
i see T this afternoon. i feel so sick about it. but disconnected. if I'm brave I'll tell her how I'm feeling. if I'm not i'll lie and deflect. i know i can pull off "semi normal". i've done so many times in the past. but this is something new. this is not a depressed call for relief from pain this is an anxious call for relief from future, from loneliness, from bad thoughts. i wish i had better ways of fighting, but i am fighting myself. old habits die hard.