Posted by Daisym on December 15, 2006, at 23:50:57
In reply to Re: Thoughts on Suicide - Trigger » Daisym, posted by jammerlich on December 15, 2006, at 1:19:49
I've been sitting here for what seems like forever trying to get my thoughts in some sort of order, but they just won't be organized. I'm not really sure what you're looking for in the way of responses and it's sort of an 'all over the place' kind of topic. So, I'm just going to throw it out there and not worry about whether it makes sense. I hope that's o.k.
****It's always OK to just "think out loud" in an unorganized way. We'll muddle through together.I'm envious of pseudoname. I feel sad for the people he left behind, but I'm envious of him. He did the thing I think of every day and am just too cowardly to do myself. And do you know why I'm scared? Because then everyone would know how not together I am. Oh my god, they would *know*. Why do I need to keep up this illusion of strength? Even in my passing? I really just don't understand it.
****Sounds like something you are good at - and it probably makes other people feel OK. I've taken care of my family by not letting on how screwed up I am my whole life. So I don't want to suddenly let them know by dying. But this need to hide all your pain is probably one of the reason you (and I) find ourselves in this lonely pit of despair.It's so hard to talk frankly with our T's about it because, if you say the wrong thing, they have the power to have you hospitalized. That's the problem for me, at least. And I'd really like to talk about it. I'd like to tell her how I've researched on the internet to find ways that make this horrible thing a little less horrible for me and for the people who love me. I'd like to talk with her about how I've wanted not to be here for as long as I can remember. Is it what I really want or just something that's become a habit of sorts? Seems like a pretty important thing to figure out.
****It is hugely important to figure out. You need to talk to her about this. Say it like you said it here -- tell her this is a discussion, not a declaration of intent. I don't know your therapist but most of them are trained to know the difference between ideation and intent. It was so hard for me to bring up the first time and it remains hard to talk about. This isn't where my therapist and I are doing our best dance together. He gets nervous but he admits it. He handles his own anxiety by increasing contact, which is fine by me most of the time. I have a way to contact him immediately if I need to, and we have a "contract" in place, meaning I have promised to call him if things get really rough.If you ask me, life sucks. Yes, there are moments of joy, but they're mere distractions from all the crap. I'm not sure if I could ever see it as flipped.....where the crap is just a distraction from the joy. If it's o.k. to be individuals in so many other ways, why is it not o.k. to be an individual in this way? Why does not wanting to be here mean something is "wrong" with you? Maybe it's just another way in which people are different. Could it just be survival of the fittest or something? More things I'd like to discuss.
****Keep trying to bring this up. I think it is OK to be an individual this way, but it is hard for other people to not hold hope for us. They want for themselves to believe that life is good "if only" --And I think about "The Sea Inside," a movie I saw sometime ago about the right to die. One line really stood out to me: "Living is a right, not an obligation." Very powerful. I can't get it out of my mind.
Keep talking to your T, Daisy. He seems so good in that he tells you how he feels, but doesn't seem to freak out. I don't know if you're hinting or not. Maybe you're just making it clear this is a topic that needs to stay at the forefront for now. Whatever it is, he'll figure it out.
****I bring it up when I need to. He brings it up when he is wondering. The younger I feel the harder some of this is to push away. Monday he wants to talk about how to call, what to say and when I should call him. Stuff I think I know but it is good to have a reminder that it is OK to need him.Sorry if this was all completely unrelated to what you said. My mind is a blur and I keep doubting whether I should even post this. But, I will. I just hope I don't regret it later.
****I hope you don't regret posting this. I hope you can find a way to talk about some of this with your therapist. It seems so important.
poster:Daisym
thread:713827
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/714138.html