Posted by antigua on December 16, 2006, at 13:28:05
In reply to Thoughts on Suicide - Trigger, posted by Daisym on December 14, 2006, at 23:46:58
Daisy, it's so hard to keep going, I know, especially when you are in the middle of it. Be nicer to yourself; remember you are going through a truly, truly difficult time this holiday season. On top of your therapy, you have the situation with your DH and the holidays to boot, to pretend you're o.k. It's o.k. NOT to be o.k. Indulge a little, but don't go over that edge.
A story for you. I was in hypnosis a couple of weeks ago and to make a long story short, I was supposed to pick a room to enter down a long, beautiful corridor. Some of the rooms held happy memories, others were scary. I was drawn to a scarier memory, I couldn't help it, about the anguish of the little girl after the sa. How she was stuck in that room and couldn't escape. (I was never allowed to leave my room at night). Well, in my mind I sealed the door so nobody could come in and I put one of those half-doors in. You know those that open at the top and the bottom is a regular door? I wanted the little girl to have a way to get out. It was so beautiful I can't explain it adequately. The birds were chirping, I could smell the earth and I remembered how much I loved to play outside as a child. It was such a visceral feeling--to leave the door so my little girl could go play in the woods and stamp in the brook, dancing and singing like I used to do, in my own safe places.
It's hard to remember that there were good things, too. This reminded me. As tough as it is now, I have faith that things will get better. I have to have faith, a belief in myself, because it's all I have. No one else can do it for me. I have to hold on and remember that bad feelings pass, although it can take time.
Your post triggered me a lot. I won't go into details about my own plan, but as I decorate the tree today with my two younger children, I feel such a huge sadness mixed in with the joy. I don't remember decorating a single tree when I was a child, although we always had them. While it is a good time of the year mostly, it can be so very, very sad too.
Just trust me, Daisy. This time will pass. I understand the envy you feel, but you are too important to too many people. Sorry to play the ultimate card, but your kids still need you. You are going through such a time of transition and I am in such awe in how well you really are handling it. You may not see it, but we see it here. You are brave to express your true feelings. Getting them out there is so hard.
I asked my pdoc how can I feel so good and SO bad at the same time? to want to end it all but to be so happy too? There's always the internal struggle, but it goes back to faith (and I'm not talking about religious faith), just faith in the goodness of the world and in my children and my life. To be brave enough to do what I need to do to get better. And I am better, but the moments always creep in; it's part of the process.
I hope I didn't hurt you by this. We really do care about you; and you are such an inspiration to so many others.
best,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:713827
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/714246.html