Posted by annierose on December 15, 2006, at 16:33:35
In reply to Thoughts on Suicide - Trigger, posted by Daisym on December 14, 2006, at 23:46:58
I'm sad that the choice still looms so close to the surface for you. I know it sounds like instant relief, but the choice would be filled with regret.
Imagine if you are able, my view of "heaven". I hope that when I die, my soul allows me to "visit" the friends and family I left behind. Maybe not forever, maybe it's for as long as my heart needs, but I'll get a glimpse.
Imagine my regret if I made the choice to end my life. I would not only witness the pain of those left behind, but from far away, I would see my daughter's wedding (maybe she made a tearful prayer to herself about the mother that left her), the birth of her first child, my son and his family, buying their first home, etc. etc. I would miss so much. And so would they.
Twenty years ago, I was in that dark place. And although there is pain in my life now, it's not that penetrating knife-in-my-heart sort of pain. I manage it (some days better than others) and I know that it does pass.
I am happy that 25 years ago I sought treatment. As we all know, it's not quick, and it comes with a different sort of pain, but an attachment was built. And through that attachment, I was able to work out some of my issues and go forward with my life. And you will too. You are working with a wonderful therapist who cares for you deeply. He is holding your hand and hoping you don't let go. As am I.
I value you as a person and as a friend. I know my bad days are a little brighter when I hear "You got mail" and it's from Daisy. I smile knowing that a caring soul and comfort is only a click away. Your boys feel that and more.
You are so worth the fight.