Posted by vwoolf on December 6, 2006, at 13:50:49
In reply to Re: Unexpected reaction » vwoolf, posted by Poet on December 6, 2006, at 12:44:06
Thanks all of you, for such insightful comments. I feel a bit overwhelmed tonight so I am not going to reply to you individually. Perhaps when things come off the boil a little....
We spoke about "the incident" again today in therapy. I told her I understood that she wanted to "own" it, but I wanted to look at it from my perspective as well.
I told her that when I accused her of only being there for the money, it was as if I was talking in my mother's voice, telling myself that I was too needy and too greedy, but turning it onto her. And that was why my mother rejected me. There was no way she could satisfy me because I was excessive.
Yes I know, we all feel that.
And I told my t that when she stormed out I didn't really think she was seriously angry, it was as if she was pretending in part, because that's what it would be like for me, never really completely any thing, but always watching from outside.
My t told me she had actually been shocked by her own reaction, that there had been no pretence.
And I began to realize how unreal I feel in the world. I never fully feel anything, there's always half of me watching and criticising, and I expect others to be playing a part all the time.
And then, aside from that:
On Monday my husband had a small medical procedure, and by chance the doctor discovered that he has a malignancy. I'm not sure where this is going, but it doesn't feel real.
I have spent the last year writing a book. Yesterday a gremlin in my computer devoured the file, and I have no backup. I have had no reaction. It's as if it didn't happen.
But I didn't tell my t about these two major things today. We talked about the other incident, when she got angry. An abstraction.
She goes on leave on Friday.
In the last few days I have felt hopeless. In fact I spent last weekend writing farewell letters to my family. The gremlin in my computer deleted these files as well.
I now feel stuck.
My t has offered to speak to a colleague who can support me while she's away if things get too rough. She has offered telephonic contact.
I really don't know if I want anything at all. I feel so tired. I don't know what to do.
I don't know what I want by writing these things here either. I just need to put these feelings somewhere. I'm sorry.
poster:vwoolf
thread:710608
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/710909.html