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Re: Unexpected reaction*** Trigger** » vwoolf

Posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 14:33:31

In reply to Re: Unexpected reaction*** Trigger**, posted by vwoolf on December 6, 2006, at 13:50:49

> And I told my t that when she stormed out I didn't really think she was seriously angry, it was as if she was pretending in part, because that's what it would be like for me, never really completely any thing, but always watching from outside.

**Yeah, I know what you mean :( Its weird insn't it?
>
> My t told me she had actually been shocked by her own reaction, that there had been no pretence.

**Well, its cool she cares I guess..and its cool she's honest...
>
> And I began to realize how unreal I feel in the world. I never fully feel anything, there's always half of me watching and criticising, and I expect others to be playing a part all the time.

**I used to do that ALOT. In do so less now. It may well have to do w/dissociation. Dissociation is complex. But it can get better. Good news!
However if you do tend to dissociate, please be extra careful with yourself, cuz I have found my judgement is not always too good when I am dissociating more strongly.
>
> And then, aside from that:
>
> On Monday my husband had a small medical procedure, and by chance the doctor discovered that he has a malignancy. I'm not sure where this is going, but it doesn't feel real.

**I am SO sorry. I don't think that sort of thing feels real to ANYbody at first. Nobody wants to beleive its real.
>
> I have spent the last year writing a book. Yesterday a gremlin in my computer devoured the file, and I have no backup. I have had no reaction. It's as if it didn't happen.

**:( That would be CRUSHING to me. I too have lost all my special writings from a period of years. It wasn't on computer. Itas physically lost. I may well have thrown them out myself in a bad moment. i don't remember. But I do know documents on computers can be retrieved and there's companies that do JUST that. Data retrieval. So there is some hope.
>
> But I didn't tell my t about these two major things today. We talked about the other incident, when she got angry. An abstraction.

**Well...when you know your T is going away, well for me, it kinda messes up everything somehow...
>
> She goes on leave on Friday.

**:-( I always tell myself that she gonna come back well rested and ready for action! And to some extent this has proved true.
>
> In the last few days I have felt hopeless. In fact I spent last weekend writing farewell letters to my family. The gremlin in my computer deleted these files as well.

**Writing farewell letters can be cathartic I suppose.....but PLEASE do not act on it. It would be SO incredibly hurtful to SO many people.
I one time very nearly did that, and i thank God that I didn't. I had no idea at that time just how hurtful suicide is to so many. But at the time, I was thinking only of myself and my pain. I could see no way out. But I was NOT thinking clearly. There WAS a way, and here I am!!!! SO glad to be here. I appreciate the world SO much more. Healing is possible.Part of me still thinks of death, but I would not act on it. To think of the wonderful things I have experienced since that time!.......Yes, there's been very hard times too, burt I am learning to cope.
>
> I now feel stuck.

**Been there.....but try and trust me on this, things can and do get better.(I have reams of writings on how I spinning my wheels etc etc)
>
> My t has offered to speak to a colleague who can support me while she's away if things get too rough. She has offered telephonic contact.

**Well every situation is different with their T.
If she has offered telephone contact, I too would take it. I myself would proly limit it to 1x/wk, or if I was in crisis. Also, I get my T to leave a soothing message on my answer machine for me to listen to. I hate to admit just how many times I have listened over and over to her messages at times....(also, funnily, for me, the messages must be 'fresh'!lol.As in, left in the last 2 wks or so, or they don't count- I AM a funny one!)
AS for the colleague, that could be good backup. Another human being, whom your T presumably trusts, that you can talk to if needed.(You wanna hear another funny one....my T is going away for over a month next year, and she has said she gonna have a person I can talk to, and in the back of my mind I already feeling guilty and don't wanto talk to a diff person cuz I feel I 'switching allegiance' ! And horror of horrors, what if I like new person better!!!!ROFL. Its not easy being me!!!)
>
> I really don't know if I want anything at all. I feel so tired. I don't know what to do.

**You been hit by the blues I reckon. Not unsurprizingly. You got alot on your plate.
>
> I don't know what I want by writing these things here either. I just need to put these feelings somewhere. I'm sorry.

**Not sure why you sorry, this is what babbles for.
I sorry I so long winded. And I don't mean to be flip in my writings. Its just how I write sometimes. I just wanto send some hope and its gonna be OK type stuff your way.
Take care,
Muffled

 

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