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Re: this i. kid ****trigger***

Posted by muffled on October 16, 2006, at 22:24:35

In reply to Re: this i. kid ****trigger*** » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 15:36:53

> > ***Sometimes I need to see the blood. But I didn't SI. If I stoned enuf, I don't.
> I see. you are self-medicating, but only in extreme circumstances.

*LOL!!!! You sound like a T !!!! ;-)

> I have a journal entry that I keep in my desk at school. It is in 6 colors. Me trying to make sense of my mind at the height of my depression. (6 months ago) I vaguely remember some of the things I was writing. I remember that the more I was writing, the more agitated I was getting. The more I realized just how desparate I was to end my existence. The more I realized that I wasn't really going to hang on much longer. The more sh*t I wanted to spill, and there wasn't enough paper and ink in the world for me to get it out, and reading it was making me feel nauseous. I sent my T a very disturbed e-mail (this was after about 2 or 3 pleasant, chatty "getting to know you, I've never been in therapy before" sessions. Poor oldT he must have been so confused. I keep that journal entry. It's stapled shut, though. I know when I'm well, because I will be able to open it up and it won't make me feel physically or mentally ill.

****I had a thing like that years ago. I burned it. It was so awful. I don't rememeber what it said, just remember it was AWFUL some way. And I NEVER EVER wanted ANYONE to read it ever cuz it was so bad. I burned it. I burned it and I glad I did. There's no point ion keeping ugly sh*t around I don't think. Why remmeber?

> I think once on babblechat you were a little stoned, maybe sometime in the last 6 weeks. I just didn't know how frequent this was for you. Marijuana acts as a CNS depressant. It does "quiet" down your mind. There are other (legal) drugs that will do that too, and they won't mess up your lungs or give you the munchies, and the dose is controlled. (plus you won't smell like MJ!).

**LOL! This was medical MJ cookie that someone kindly shared with me! No stinky!

For me, the seroquel (even at the small doses) worked well on the kind of repetitive thoughts of guilt and shame. For the anxious-gotta-get-up-and-do-hurt-something-SI-anxiety

**I am less anxious now. I been on seroquel. It was ok I guess. I could think more clearly. But aftedr awhile it just made me feel weird. But thats proly all in my head. I hate meds.

> That's what the benzodiazepine is for. It works pretty damn well. It works. (klonopin). it slows down that part of my mind that is on autopilot to self-injure. Haven't had any anxiety attacks in a while either. but I'm super stressed out today. it's bad. I may end up taking one later on if I notice that my anxiety is no longer being used productively and has turned to the DaRkSiDe of self-destruction.

***Yeah I done klonopin too. For anxiety. I like xanax for some reason. Just use it if I having big anxiety.
Thanks for hugs :-)
but she good.
> You're very lucky, and you deserve every bit of her skill, caring, and competence. :)

**Yeah, I dam lucky all right.

> please tell all your i. children, and any other creatures that you identify with that I'm really bad with names and faces. That I mean no disrespect. Tell them that if I mess up their names or their character traits, they can tell me to go to hell or whatever. That's fine with me, just don't write it on babble, 'cause you might get Muffled blocked!
> (((((((((((((inclusiveMuffled)))))))))))))
> -Li

***LOL!!! Luv ya Li!!!
Ha! Kids just fine. Its just so funny how sometimes when she feels like it , she can be SO clear on stuff. Wish she would be more often...
Oh well.
Hope its doing a better day for you today.
Take care Li,




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