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Re: this i. kid ****trigger*** » muffled

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 15:36:53

In reply to Re: this i. kid ****trigger*** » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on October 16, 2006, at 11:56:53

> > Can you release the steam in a healthy way- like running around as fast as you can?
> ***LOL!!!I was dancing and bouncing all over LOL!!! Dunno what was in that sh*t!!! LOL!

Awesome! and I bet you burned some calories too!

> >
> > Can you "Self-Injure" using an ice cube instead of something that will cause permanent damage?
> ***Sometimes I need to see the blood. But I didn't SI. If I stoned enuf, I don't.

I see. you are self-medicating, but only in extreme circumstances.
> >
> ***I type stuff out on my computer. But that i.kid been writing some stuff I don't like. And usu. I read my journal lots cuz it helps me to remember who I am. But lately its just been weird reading it and I getting bothered by that.
> So now I getting confused.

I have a journal entry that I keep in my desk at school. It is in 6 colors. Me trying to make sense of my mind at the height of my depression. (6 months ago) I vaguely remember some of the things I was writing. I remember that the more I was writing, the more agitated I was getting. The more I realized just how desparate I was to end my existence. The more I realized that I wasn't really going to hang on much longer. The more sh*t I wanted to spill, and there wasn't enough paper and ink in the world for me to get it out, and reading it was making me feel nauseous. I sent my T a very disturbed e-mail (this was after about 2 or 3 pleasant, chatty "getting to know you, I've never been in therapy before" sessions. Poor oldT he must have been so confused. I keep that journal entry. It's stapled shut, though. I know when I'm well, because I will be able to open it up and it won't make me feel physically or mentally ill.
> >
> > PWS- is that a typical thing? do you notice that stoned is more likely to lead to some kind of flareup in the busy-ness in your mind? More likely to have you thinking confused things? Does it give you cravings for alcohol? Please no alcohol- 10 years is such an achievement. And your little ones are such a very important reason to remember your commitment to pouring the liquor down the sink.
> ***Yeah, I WON'T drink. To me drinking =suicide.
> I rarely get high anymore. Just had to do SOMETHING. And it seemed the most innocuous solution to my problem.
> I dunno if I ever pws before? Mebbe early on in my babble life? Really, I proly only been high mebbe 2-3x in last 6 mo.
> Getting stoned makes it quiet in my head mostly. Sometimes I get philosophical. Sometimes I get paranoid.

I think once on babblechat you were a little stoned, maybe sometime in the last 6 weeks. I just didn't know how frequent this was for you. Marijuana acts as a CNS depressant. It does "quiet" down your mind. There are other (legal) drugs that will do that too, and they won't mess up your lungs or give you the munchies, and the dose is controlled. (plus you won't smell like MJ!). For me, the seroquel (even at the small doses) worked well on the kind of repetitive thoughts of guilt and shame. For the anxious-gotta-get-up-and-do-hurt-something-SI-anxiety
That's what the benzodiazepine is for. It works pretty damn well. If I notice myself instinctively picking or reaching for one of my favorite implements, and I know that I cannot control myself-- that no matter how much I tell myself that I DONT WANT TO DO THIS!!!!! !@#*$!^#*@# SCREAMING IN MY HEAD NOT TO HURT ME !*#$&@#%*@#&$ well, that's what the "take up to 3 tablets daily" instructions are for. It works. (klonopin). it slows down that part of my mind that is on autopilot to self-injure. Haven't had any anxiety attacks in a while either. but I'm super stressed out today. it's bad. I may end up taking one later on if I notice that my anxiety is no longer being used productively and has turned to the DaRkSiDe of self-destruction.

> Man last night I was FLYING. Went to bed and rode on the music waves. Seriously tripping. But I OK now. Mostly.

good. ((((((((Muffled)))))))

> Sh*t anyways.
> Till everything starts up again....
> See my T on Tues.
> But dunno wtf to say?? That i. kid of mine, is SO full of sh*t, and i don't want her to make T think wrong stuff bout me. Though my T is very cautious bout that, which is good. Dunno how I was so lucky w/getting a good T. She not perfect, but she good.

You're very lucky, and you deserve every bit of her skill, caring, and competence. :)

> >
> > hope you're around some today, feeling better.
> >
> > (((((((((((((((((((((Mufflie's grumpy one))))))))))))))))
> >
> > ((((((((((((((Mufflie's confused ones)))))))))))))))))
> >
> > ((((((((((((((loveable Mufflie (the whole mufflie)))))))))))))
> >
> Yeah, thanks Li. From all.
> You kinda made that i.kid mad, LOL! She says she NOT grumpy!!! LOL!
> See ya, Take care,
> Muffled

please tell all your i. children, and any other creatures that you identify with that I'm really bad with names and faces. That I mean no disrespect. Tell them that if I mess up their names or their character traits, they can tell me to go to hell or whatever. That's fine with me, just don't write it on babble, 'cause you might get Muffled blocked!






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