Posted by Daisym on October 13, 2006, at 18:18:06
In reply to Re: Thank you everyone » Daisym, posted by mair on October 13, 2006, at 12:34:11
I'm embarrassed to write this, I almost babblemailed it to you but maybe it will help?
This summer my therapist told me something really sad that is going on in his private life. He felt so distant and unavailable, I thought he was pushing me away and wanting me to stand on my own two feet. So I had a melt down and kind of forced him to tell me.
For the next week I went back and forth between being flipped out and yet trying to be understanding, supportive and adult. It is hard not to think, "but what about me?" and yet it feels so awful to have that thought pop in. After the first week, I put it away. The third week I got really mad about the whole thing and pulled inside myself for a little while. Then I decided I should cut back on therapy - and then I was going to just talk about easy stuff -- and then I decided I should terminate. I had tantrums during sessions, I took it all back, and I apologized for being selfish about a million times. I was so ashamed of myself. But I couldn't help it. I even told him I felt "tricked" into trusting him and believing that he really could be there for me. Even though it wasn't his fault, the universe was conspiring against me and taking him away. *sigh*
It has been a really hard few months. I'm still not sure how to get a handle on everything I'm feeling. And sometimes my therapist has been defensive but mostly he just lets me talk it out and he agrees that it really sucks that this has happened. Both for him and for me. And then we get back to work on my stuff.
It isn't him who is sick - and I think that adds a whole different layer. But I wanted you to know that you certainly aren't alone in worrying about falling apart at the absolute worst time. I think you can expect to slip, after all, someone you care about is sick and this is scary stuff. But you have so much awareness around your triggers I think you will find ways to support yourself even if your therapy changes for awhile.
Hang in there.