Posted by Tamar on August 10, 2006, at 16:58:57
In reply to thanks everyone, kind of long, posted by Karolina on August 7, 2006, at 23:10:15
Wow, I know for sure if I’d ever caught my dad looking at porn and masturbating I would have felt very sick indeed. Somehow it’s worse than the idea of seeing my parents having sex. I really think your father shouldn’t have assumed he had privacy. You and your mother were both in the house. I doubt it’s a problem if your mother catches him masturbating, but he should have been more careful when *you* were there.
I’m certain that seeing porn at the age of 6 or 7 can be very damaging. I have very strong opinions about porn. I think the themes in porn are frequently sick and violent. There’s not very much porn in which men and women treat each other with tenderness.
I remember when I was in my late teens I found a copy of a book called The Story of O in my father’s bookshelf next to his bed. (I’m not linking to it because in my not-so-humble opinion it’s not suitable for anyone; people who really want to read it can track it down themselves). I started reading it and I found it horrifying and yet I couldn’t put it down. It was basically a pornographic story of a woman who becomes a sex slave to a sadist. I still sometimes have nightmares about it. And I was nearly a grown-up when I found it. I can tell you, it certainly coloured my view of my father. But you… you were a little kid when you saw your father’s porn. It’s just not right.
> Maybe in a way that is good, that I was able to block it out of my mind, but it also worries me that I become so desentisized to something that disturbing so quickly.
It sounds to me as if you’re not desensitized at all. Instead, I think you might be trying to repress it – I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just mean that perhaps you don’t want to think about it and so you’ve been able to shove it aside and ignore it. And I’m sure you know that doing that can be counter-productive.
> I'm not sure I feel quite ready to bring up the extreme details of this with my T. It feels especially weird, since they are the same age, both fathers, etc.
Happily, your T is *not* your father. I hope if you can bear to talk about it in detail with your T he can help you deal with it. It’s his job. From what you say, he’s good at his job, and not too easily shocked.
> It made me wonder if my T does this sort of thing too. Which I would find disturbing as well, yet if it had something to do with me in his fantasizing, then I probably would like that - which is *sick*...Everything is just so mixed up.
Not sick at all. Very normal. Gee, I have lots of fantasies about my therapist thinking of me when he touches himself. But in fact, I suspect my therapist chooses not to fantasise about his clients that way (he just seems like the kind of guy who would feel it compromised his integrity), but I’d be very surprised if he didn’t masturbate at all. Every adult man I’ve spoken to about it says he masturbates. I can understand why it feels weird to be confronted with the idea that your therapist might masturbate. But if you can tell him about your concerns you should be able to help you deal with it. I’d bet my house that other clients have talked to him before about whether he masturbates. It sounds to me as if you have a lot of discomfort with sexuality in general, and healthy expressions of it. I guess that’s what therapy’s for.
> I wish there was a way for me to figure out the password to my dad's account so that I could go on there and delete his collection of websites and emails. I have come across them before, when he forgot to log out/sign off. I knew about all of it, but I never knew that he did what I saw yesterday while he looked at them.
It’s not comfortable to think about our parents’ sexuality. And it’s even less comfortable to see it. But of course if you delete everything he can trawl the web and find it all again.
> She found it hysterical and laughed about it when I first told her, which made me angry again. But maybe she just didn't know how to react. She said she wouldn't tell him that I saw him, but that she would find a way to maybe speak to him about the porn or to remind him to be more private about that kind of stuff or something.
Well, laughter doesn’t sound like a very appropriate response. To give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she was nervous and didn’t know how to react, as you said.
> Then I even went on to tell her how I feel like all of that other stuff I experienced earlier in life makes me feel like it's screwed me up. Which I regret saying, because it's actually very uncomfortable to talk about my mental issues with her. Her response to me feeling so messed up over everything that's happened was that she tries to forget the negative things that are part of the past and that I should try to do the same.
Maybe that works for her, but it obviously doesn’t work for you. And maybe her negative experiences have been less traumatic than your negative experiences.
> Well it's kind of hard to 'move on' when I get reminded of all that horrible stuff every so often...My T says I have hypersexual tendencies (which made me somewhat promiscuous in the past) and he agrees that some of this stuff could be responsible. I'm not using all of what happened as an excuse for my behavior, but I do feel that it's twisted my perceptions on normal sexuality and has left me feeling troubled after almost every encounter I've ever had.
I don’t know about your history, but I think there’s a huge difference between having a lot of partners and being hypersexual. I think many women struggle to come to terms with the power of their own sexuality, especially in a culture that still enforces a double standard that values an abundance of male sexuality but disdains an abundance of female sexuality. Some women just have a very high sex drive. I think your experience of feeling troubled afterwards is much more of a problem than the number of your partners. But that feeling of being troubled could be cultural rather than mental, if that makes sense. I guess I just mean that there’s nothing inherently wrong with promiscuity, if you enjoy it. But if you don’t enjoy your sexual experiences that’s a real shame because sex can be lovely. I can see that your troubled feelings could be a source of sadness, but I really hope you don’t feel ashamed of your behaviour.
> I feel trapped and guilty. I feel like maybe it's my fault since I am living here, that my parents don't get to be alone enough so maybe that's why he is looking at porn and is obviously desperate for some sort of gratification, if he was even willing to take the risk of looking at it while I'm home.
I don’t know... I have three young children who demand my attention almost constantly when I’m at home, and I still find time for an active sex life. So I don’t think you’re preventing your parents from getting it on. I think a more likely explanation is that your father, like many people, enjoys a sexual relationship by himself as well as enjoying a sexual relationship with your mother. He has probably become accustomed to having the freedom to masturbate at any time and in any space, and has not taken account of the need for extra precautions while you are at home. It was thoughtless of him, and he needs to be reminded to behave more appropriately when you’re there.
> I don't know what I'm saying. I'm so disgusted. I want to scream but I don't have the energy to do anything. I don't hate my parents but I really hate how they have created these terrible boundaries. It makes me want to get out of the house and get wasted or messed up on something. I feel terrible right now. Especially with my T being away and oblivious to all of this. Between my sexually harassing boss to my dad's sexual habits, I feel like I cant take anymore of this. Maybe I should just go into the porn industry, I'm serious. If I am going to keep being tortured by this then I might as well make my life about it.
It sounds to me as if you’re feeling very trapped. Your boss is obviously behaving in a completely inappropriate and intimidating way, and to be honest in those circumstances I can imagine you find your father’s behaviour somewhat intimidating too. Your father needs to be a source of support to you right now, rather than exacerbating your difficulties.
Sexual harassment by a boss is *extremely* stressful and upsetting. I hope you’re not minimising it. And I’m sorry your parents aren’t more sensitive and sympathetic.
(((((Karolina)))))
When do you get to see your T again?
poster:Tamar
thread:674424
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/675465.html