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Re: thanks everyone, kind of long

Posted by muffled on August 8, 2006, at 0:12:08

In reply to thanks everyone, kind of long, posted by Karolina on August 7, 2006, at 23:10:15

> What scares though is that after I cried, now all I feel is numbness. You would think I would be hiding from my dad I didn't feel any awkwardness around him at all last night or today. but it also worries me that I become so desentisized to something that disturbing so quickly.

***Well fortunately this has never happened to me, but what you saw isn't so strange. Your father is a man, doing what some men do. You are no stranger to the sex act, so it wasn't shocking in that way. I wonder if it just was the combination of things you have so much confusion about that made it so intense for you. I wonder if you have a big heart and thats why you hate the porn stuff.
I would be extreemly angry and confused as a young person to see my dad looking at sexual images of girls who could be me. Extreemly confused. Extreemly angy.

> I'm not sure I feel quite ready to bring up the extreme details of this with my T. It feels especially weird, since they are the same age, both fathers, etc. It made me wonder if my T does this sort of thing too. Which I would find disturbing as well, yet if it had something to do with me in his fantasizing, then I probably would like that - which is *sick*...Everything is just so mixed up.

***Yeah. I am the QUEEN of mixed up. There's so much I don't understand....
But, old lady that I am, I have found that its sometimes ok to talk bout these things with a safe person.
I used to get the hots for teachers in school, they were not always young, proly lots of them my dads age at the time. So I don't think your fantasising bout your T is sick. From what I have read here on Babble , this T/sex thing seems to be VERY common. My T says it can happen to any T any gender combo etc. So your definately NOT sick or strange. Your T sounds nice, but I goto admit I like having my female T (I am female).
> I wish there was a way for me to figure out the password to my dad's account so that I could go on there and delete his collection of websites and emails. I have come across them before, when he forgot to log out/sign off. I knew about all of it, but I never knew that he did what I saw yesterday while he looked at them.

***So it sounds like you have alot of anger and disgust about your dad/porn.
> I know doing that is totally normal for both men and women, but I think my whole concern was that I don't want to know about it, or I wish he would be more careful about it. I feel numb but I feel so angry too. I think my mom could tell last night. She kept bothering me and bothering me asking if 'something was wrong', or if 'everything was alright'. That made me annoyed and kind of angry too so I just blurted it out to her...which I kind of regret.

**Its seems good that you were able to talk to your mom about it so it won't happen again.
> She found it hysterical and laughed about it when I first told her, which made me angry again. But maybe she just didn't know how to react. She said she wouldn't tell him that I saw him, but that she would find a way to maybe speak to him about the porn or to remind him to be more private about that kind of stuff or something. Then I even went on to tell her how I feel like all of that other stuff I experienced earlier in life makes me feel like it's screwed me up. Which I regret saying, because it's actually very uncomfortable to talk about my mental issues with her. Her response to me feeling so messed up over everything that's happened was that she tries to forget the negative things that are part of the past and that I should try to do the same.

**As a parent I know it hurts terribly to consider you have done things to hurt your child. It may just be that. Maybe it hurts her too much cuz she loves you.
> Well it's kind of hard to 'move on' when I get reminded of all that horrible stuff every so often...My T says I have hypersexual tendencies (which made me somewhat promiscuous in the past) and he agrees that some of this stuff could be responsible. I'm not using all of what happened as an excuse for my behavior, but I do feel that it's twisted my perceptions on normal sexuality and has left me feeling troubled after almost every encounter I've ever had.

**Sex is complicated for most people it would seem, one way or another.'Normal sexuality', what IS that? Is it anything like me saying to my T that I wish I was more 'normal', and she says to me, what is normal?
I do think you been exposed too young perhaps to too much sex stuff and were never really able to come up with your own definition of your own personal sexuality. It was forced upon you and you got mixed up.
> I feel trapped and guilty. I feel like maybe it's my fault since I am living here, I'm so disgusted. I want to scream but I don't have the energy to do anything. I don't hate my parents but I really hate how they have created these terrible boundaries. Between my sexually harassing boss to my dad's sexual habits, I feel like I cant take anymore of this. Maybe I should just go into the porn industry, I'm serious. If I am going to keep being tortured by this then I might as well make my life about it.

***Your dads been doing porn a long time from what I gather, I don't think its got ANYthing to do with you. Its ALL about him and selfishness.
I feel ALOT of anger on your part. I hope you can work this out with a T. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You seem smart and so you'll be able to work this out. It just may take time and the help of a T that is a good comfortable fit for you.
I have no idea of your work situation, but really, noone should have to take such crap from a boss in this day and age in my opinion. But then I can be awfully belligerant :-) Seriously though, the prob with your boss could proly be its own thread....
Best wishes,
Take care,

P.S. feel free to tell me to shut up! I am also keeping myself out of trouble by spending time posting. And I am learning. So thank you.
You are somebody, you matter. Take care.




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