Posted by Karolina on August 6, 2006, at 23:23:25
In the past I have posted on here about how my parents' very open affectionate behavior and sexually liberal perspectives have felt disturbing:
"...It didn't help that my parents have always been very liberal with things, not seeming to care about censorship. I was allowed to see R-rated movies at a very young age and sex has always seem to be a casual subject in our household. Not in a perverted way, but in the way that I don't feel uncomfortable when sexual jokes are told, there's dirty gossip about people hooking up, etc. But my parents are also verrry affectionate towards one another, not in public really but at home they seem to act pretty lovey-dovey. Which ironically makes me feel very uncomfortable..."
Despite sex being such a casual subject around my house - when I was younger I had stumbled across a few of my dad's porn sites by accident and those images feel like they have stained my mind. I even once came across a porno-movie they had in the VCR when I had thought my disney movie was still in there from the previous day. I was like 6 or 7. Then when I was 17, I was raped by a former good friend of mine.
I feel sick and sexually overwhelmed by all of those things that have happened.
But I have talked about some of this before with my T, which has helped a lot.
I am currently living with my parents since I am still 20 but will be leaving again in the fall to go back to school. This afternoon I was planning to take a nap. My mother, downstairs, must have fallen asleep in her room too. It's hard to describe but my room is upstairs and we have a balcony-type thing that looks out over most of the first floor. I was about to take my nap when I decided it was hot so I went down the hall to fix the thermostat. From where I was standing I could see our computer downstairs. My dad was in front of it - looking at porn - and masturbating.
It was so shocking. I feel sick even writing about it on here. For some reason it made me very upset and I ran back to my room and started crying.
From the angle I was standing at, his back was to me but I could figure out what was going on. It made me feel so angry. If he was going to do that, why didn't he just wait until he was alone and I wasn't home?!? I feel like I've been haunted by porn my entire life thanks to him! and do married men normally do that anyway??
I just feel so disturbed and sick and there is no one to really tell. It was especially disturbing, considering how I've had all these mixed up thoughts about my T...my T and my dad are the same exact age. I am very sexually attracted to my T, who has a son my age. But sometimes I try to see my T as a father-figure since he is so much older. But it feels weird sometimes to be so attracted to a man who could be my father. Then my real father is looking at porn. It's just like all these thoughts are getting so tangled up. I feel so sick right now.
I don't really know the point of this post but I think I am just extremely distressed right now. I just want to get away from here. I want to go make myself throw up, even though I haven't done any of that since April. I feel so confused. I hate myself right now.
-Karolina-
poster:Karolina
thread:674424
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/674424.html