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Re: worried... Daisym

Posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2006, at 9:52:30

In reply to Re: worried..., posted by Daisym on July 24, 2006, at 23:59:29

<<<<<If you are anything like me, the idea that I need to start challenging those thoughts, which are powerfully ingrained, gets twisted into, "you are wrong and bad to not already know it isn't your fault."

**** Yes, exactly. And it just feels like so much pressure, even though I know he's not trying to pressure me. It's just a goal to work towards. Why can't my logic ever mesh with my emotions??

>>>>I feel like I've revealed myself as a whiny victim who can't rise above it all and say calmly, "yes, it was horrible, but I'm past it. It wasn't my fault and there is nothing to be done now except accept that bad things happen, and move on." (Legs crossed, hands folded.)

***** I've tried to say that, but I can't believe it yet. It's so hard to be past it. For a long time I thought I was, but I guess not, since I'm in therapy now.

>>>>>I HATE myself when the honest part pushes up and screams, "WHY?! Why did this happen to me? It doesn't make sense, there isn't a good reason...I NEED a good reason." Which really means I can't accept the random brutality that runs rampant in our world. I need the world to make sense. If it doesn't, how on earth will I ever be able to completely control things?!

***** That's exactly the problem for me. I NEED to control things. If I can't, it's scary and things can happen that I don't expect. We were talking yesterday how I really need the world to make sense, but it just doesn't sometimes.

> I will wrestle that bone again and again...and ultimately reach the conclusion that my therapist is sick of me "whining" and is mad at me for not moving along faster in my healing.

****** Yes. I am so scared he'll get sick of me. And we just set up twice a week sessions for a little while, and I'm doubly scared that he'll get sick of me now. And I left him a message last night, so now I'm feeling like I'm really whiny and pathetic.

> And I think the idea of feeling angry and projecting it onto your therapist is certainly a possibility.

***** I'm not sure - maybe. I just am not sure what I'm angry about. It's hard for me even to know what anger feels like, because I'm so not familiar with it because I'm used to only seeing rage, that maybe I just don't know I'm angry.

> Sitting with all these old, intense feelings is really hard. What has helped before? I write...and write...and write. But I also don't have to sit with them alone for very long. I'm glad you posted so that you aren't alone with them either. Hang in there. It will ease off.

**** Usually I write to my T, but I was feeling so pathetic that I couldn't bring myself to do that. I ended up leaving him a message, and I hope he doesn't get mad at me for that.





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poster:sunnydays thread:670121