Posted by Daisym on July 21, 2006, at 21:58:35
In reply to Re: Struggling (big trigger) » Daisym, posted by crushedout on July 21, 2006, at 17:58:47
It is harder this time because it isn't about wanting more from him, or the pain of not being able to have a real relationship with him. It is really old pain and I'm so miserably tired of dealing with the memories. I feel like laying down and giving up. I know I will hurt him if I give up.
He told me today that I'm wrapped in darkness so for now I need to stop questioning and struggling and just "follow orders." And my order were (are) to hold on: to him, to my kids and to you guys. I'm just suppose to work hard to stay still and not act. He said he is one step ahead of me, finding the way out of the dark tunnel, and I need to hold on to him and trust that he can lead me out of this. I want to believe him and it is hard not to struggle to find some other way to quiet my mind and ease the pain. He said "I don't care what you think, don't think. Hold on." (wow, weird thing for a therapist to say.) He is being so gentle and so strong...and I gave him a promise.
But it is pretty hard to just sit with all of this. I had a complete brain fade at the grocery store and ended up leaving in tears. I couldn't remember anything we needed. And that just isn't me.
And my dad called me today, out of the blue. He is on the West Coast visiting. I've been sick to my stomach all afternoon with fear. He said he doubts they will actually get to California but he'd let me know. I don't feel safe, I feel small and young and terrified. The back of my closet looks better and better.
I'm sorry guys. I should take a break from posting. It all comes out negative and horrible. And there isn't anyone can do anyway.